Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“Dreams again?”

The question was redundant at this point yet she still felt the need to ask even if it was just to say something. Like during the previous four nights he had woken her up again, partly due to the noises and partly due to the movement the nightmares would cause –after all she wasn’t used to sharing a bed with someone - so now they were sitting next to each other as Yon-Rogg buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath to calm himself down.

Carol felt his pain, not just due to sheer empathy but because she had gone through the same – however her bad dreams, while frequent, never were her company for every single night. She didn’t even know it was possible for your sub-consciousness to be this fixated on a trauma that it’s impossible for you to dream of something else. And perhaps the memories themselves really weren’t the reason for the abundance of nightmares but rather how the Supreme Intelligence had messed with his mind.

She wasn’t a neuroscientist – and if she were probably still wouldn’t be able to tell how big the damage was in the end as there were no studies about an artificial intelligence being present in your thoughts for decades – yet she began to understand how horrible the Intelligence’s influence must have been, how disgusting the manipulation.

After she had left, Carol often thought about how similar the society on Hala was to a totalitarian regime due to the general structure of the government and propaganda; yet it still couldn’t quite compare to the regimes she had known from Earth or even the ones she had seen on her journey through space. All of them could control what the nation saw and even said publically yet none of them were able to control their people’s thoughts as they had no means to even hear them. The Kree didn’t have this freedom – especially not people like Yon-Rogg who had to consult the Supreme Intelligence quite often. He couldn’t hide anything from them, neither wishes nor hopes nor the most private memories or feelings, and suffering under that for some many years was one of the most horrible things she could imagine. Of course she didn’t know when exactly all of this had started or if it had always been like that but she feared her mere presence had created the perfect ground for the abuse he had to go through - her reason told her none of this was her fault yet she couldn’t help but to feel it was. If she really caused all the pain Yon-Rogg had to experience even before she had sent him back she’d never be able to forgive herself.

It was no surprise Yon-Rogg had woken up crying and screaming each night for the past couple of days and often even fought her off for a moment, when he was still trapped in the state between dreaming and awaking and thought she was about to hurt and not help him. Two nights ago it had been so bad that it caused a bruise that still lasted to this day and it took her very best acting skills to pretend she had gotten it elsewhere. Carol knew he would refuse to further sleep next to her once he realized he had caused her harm and probably even refuse to sleep in general so she had decided to lie to him. She had let him swear to not lie to her ever again and wanted herself to stick to that promise as well but there was a huge difference between a lie being told to conceal a cause of pain and one whose purpose it was to prevent such a pain itself.

Come to think of it, maybe his lie had been of a similar nature. Carol had felt betrayed because the one person she had considered her best friend, who had always been there for her and who, she thought, could never hurt, only protect her, had been the one dissimulating things from her since the moment she had woken up on Hala. She had felt that pain for a long time – or what seemed like a long time to her as a few years were nothing compared to the lifespan of a Kree – but reflecting on everything she knew now made her wonder if she had been too harsh.

Did Yon-Rogg really have a choice in the end? Was there anything he could have done? Assuming he did want to tell her the truth, which she wasn’t completely sure of, how could he even have managed to do that? The Supreme Intelligence would have both of them executed and even if he told her on a planet far away from Hala to ensure her escape the Kree would have hunted her down – an easy task with the inhibitor on her neck that also served as a tracking device. And where would she have gone to in the first place? She wouldn’t have remembered Maria and Monica and only know Yon-Rogg had found her on Earth, not even the country let alone state or city as he didn’t know these things either.

So perhaps his lie had protected her as well in the end.

She carefully placed a hand on his back - slowly to ensure she wouldn’t startle him - and he lifted his head to look at her in the darkness of her room.

“I’m sorry,” he started to mumble almost inaudible but Carol immediately stopped him from making further apologies.

“I had cost you a lot of sleep for six years on Hala,” she explained, trying to sound lighthearted. “It’s only fair you are doing the same now.”

“But you were in that situation because of me.”

Carol wanted to reply he was only having nightmares because of her now as well but she knew it would only end in a discussion about how it actually wasn’t her fault, how he should be the one to take all the blame - and she really didn’t feel like going there again, not in the middle of the night at least.

“You wanna talk about it?” It was another one of those redundant questions as she already knew the answer would be no but she still wanted to ask, hoping that one day he’d finally say yes.

Just like she had predicted he lied back down again, pulled the blanket over his head and murmured something about going back to sleep so she did the same despite knowing neither of them would find any more rest that night.

Right after their escape, Carol had navigated the ship to the nearest planet outside the Kree Empire that perfectly suited their needs. Not only did she have to buy new clothes for Yon-Rogg and more food and water, since they would deplete much sooner now that two people were using them, she also had to detect a ship big enough for all the inhabitants of the camp as hers didn’t even have a close enough capacity. The later proved to be a more difficult task than expected as the spaceship also had to be fast enough and equipped with certain features such as a good camouflage system. It was exhausting to make her way through the giant city that essentially was one big market but Carol made the best use of her time away from Yon-Rogg.

Planets like these that mainly functioned as trading markets of legal and illegal natures were the perfect gathering place for people from all over the universe and therefore an endless source of information if you just managed to find the right establishments.

Despite having spent days with him at this point, they hadn’t really talked about the Supreme Intelligence or really anything that happened to him after she had sent him back to Hala - partly because Carol was too afraid to ask and partly Yon-Rogg refused to bring the topic up himself. She tried to gather as many facts about what exactly happened as possible and while she did find enough people to talk to, their stories often didn’t match or even contradicted each other. She figured, as much as she disliked the thought, if she wanted to know what really happened she’d have to talk to the only person who was there - now she only needed to think of a way to do so.

When she returned from her daily shopping spree as she liked to jokingly call it – so Yon-Rogg wouldn’t suspect her seeking out information on him – she got greeted by the smell of a typical Kree meal she had loved to eat on Hala. After the first day, she had returned with new clothes for him which he had refused to accept as he couldn’t pay for them and Carol’s reminder of how much he had paid for for her back on Hala only made him go back to his ‘you were only there because of me’ argument. She couldn’t recall how exactly she finally managed to convince him of a compromise but surely was glad it had worked. Yon-Rogg had offered to cook for her every day in return which she had accepted immediately, not only because she always found cooking to be rather boring and tiring but also because it was an activity that would give him something to do while she was away.

And distraction surely was something he needed a lot.

And it had surprised her how good he was at cooking because she had never seen him do it on Hala. Of course it hadn’t been necessary as Kree warriors, especially those of a higher rank, got provided with meals everyday meaning never having seen him make one for himself was only natural yet it his talent still somehow made sense to her. Yon-Rogg had always been pragmatic and would consider being able to survive on his own in the wilderness of a foreign planet a basic skill so it was needless to say he knew how to cook too – she hadn’t expected him to be this good at it.

Without further greeting him as she wanted to act as natural as possible, like she had on Hala when they had been friends, she jumped onto the kitchen counter instead of sitting down on a chair and looked in to the simmering pot, inhaling the smell.

“I’m starving,” she announced, hoping it’ll prompt him to tell her when dinner will be ready but instead he looked at her condemnatory.

“This is a kitchen, Carol.”

She rolled her eyes, wondering why she even listened to him on her own ship but got off the counter anyway.

“Better?” annoyed she pulled the nearest chair closer.

“Yes. Thank you.”

About to ask when it’ll be finished, she opened her mouth but her question already got answered by him requesting her to get the plates while he dragged the pot off the stove. Happily she complied and soon they both sat down at the kitchen table, quietly enjoying their meal until Carol picked the conversation up again.

“Anything happened while I was gone?”

She didn’t expect him to having something other to reply to that than ‘no’ as no one would just knock on their door – and also because she would always temporarily deactivated any form of communication on board whenever she left. Carol wanted to trust him, wanted to believe he would never contact the Kree but she simply couldn’t, not yet. However she never locked the door. He had been a prisoner for the longest time and if he wanted to leave her he should be free to do so.

But he never did.

For some reason she always expected for him to be gone when she returned, to be back on his way to Hala or doing whatever he wanted with his new found freedom yet he didn’t even seem to consider that. Unsure of whether he really didn’t want to go or thought he needed her permission to do so, she had explicitly told him he could leave her whenever he wanted to but he still seemed to have no interest in that. Maybe he considered it his duty to help her free the other slaves – though he must have been aware this was something she technically could do on her own.

Yon-Rogg shook his head as he took another bite: “Have you found a ship?”

She groaned frustrated.

“No. You’d expect this to be rather easy on a goddamn commerce planet that’s covered with ships but apparently it isn’t. I know what we are looking for is rather specific but jeez.”

“How did you get this one?”

“It was a gift from the Skrulls for helping them find a new home.”

He didn’t reply, still disapproving of her allegiance with what he thought to be terrorists but he also wouldn’t bother her about it as he knew there was no point in that. And he also had better manners than to question his generous host’s decision. Instead he finished eating without saying anything.

“Do you always have the same dream or is it a different one each time?” she wondered, sounding as casual as possible. They had to start talking about them, about everything, at some point so she figured this starting point was as good as any. He was about to respond but Carol, anticipating his resistance, quickly added: “You don’t have to tell me what you are dreaming, just tell me if it’s the same one.”

Yon-Rogg hesitated a moment before giving in.

“Mostly the same. Sometimes a few details or even the outcome are different but essentially it’s the same dream.”

If it wasn’t such a serious situation she’d jokingly give him the advice to let go of his past like he always had during their training.

“Is it a memory?” she asked cautiously; fearing he’d immediately change the topic again, not that he would blame him for it, she wanted to keep the conversation up. It was hard for her to tell which questions were appropriate and which weren’t – and how much she should push him, if she should push him at all, to leave his comfort zone. His well-being was most important to her but if they would never talk about what happened then he’d probably never get better again.

Carol didn’t want to be presumptuous and force him to talk with her in particular, especially considering she had partly caused his trauma, but she also knew if there was someone he would ever talk to it would be her.

She had often found herself wondering on Hala if she was overbearing by constantly soliciting his time and, well, love essentially, as he clearly had to have other people he’d rather be with. Yon-Rogg was admired by the people; she had quickly noticed that during the first time he had taken her to lower Hala. It was hard not to, of course, since they constantly got approached by strangers who thanked him for his service. And even if that wouldn’t have made her come to the conclusion he was a hero, his face being on everything that advocated the military, mostly the Starforce, and what they did for the Empire and its people, would have given her the final clue. Back then she was amazed he was the one whose blood she had, who got told by the Supreme Intelligence to take care of her but knowing now that he did all of that because he wanted to made her appreciating everything he did even more.

But nevertheless someone this popular must have had an endless supply of loved ones – though that may have been the wrong word considering how seemingly unemotional the Kree were. So although Yon-Rogg never gave her a reason to she still had thought he must have had other people he wanted to be with, that it was a miracle he even was at home every time she knocked on his door.  At the very least he must have wanted to spend time with the rest of the Starforce yet when she casually brought the topic up to Att-Lass one day he reassured her she literally was the only person he let into his life like that.

Not only was he her only friend – she was his only friend as well.

And the longer she had been on Hala the more all of this made sense. His work occupied most of his time and when he wasn’t on a mission or teaching his students he spend time with her. Yon-Rogg never talked about his friends and even his family was rarely mentioned – as far as Carol knew all of them were dead. At first she had thought he simply was very private or they weren’t close enough for him to tell her but the longer they were friends, the longer he kept telling her basically everything, the more she realized there really was no one else in his life.

Except for the Supreme Intelligence apparently.

A thought that made her sick.

Nonetheless she had to be the only one now as well as he most likely didn’t make any friends during the time between their face-off on Earth and their reunion – although, just like on Hala, judging by what she had seen in the camp he still was quite popular. Just with a different kind of people.

And she understood that, she really did. Yon-Rogg was amazing. She hadn’t fallen for him because he had taken care of her and had been the only one who seemed to actually care - after all, if he was an asshole none of this would matter. No, what she had fallen in love with was his heart, his bravery, the way his treated the common people, especially the kids, his desire to protect others, even his team despite all of them being soldiers as well, his sense of responsibility, his humor, and, ironically,  his honesty.

Under different circumstances, if she had been just Carol on Earth, she probably wouldn’t have given someone this serious and seemingly boring a chance but as Vers, as someone who needed him, she had gotten to know him better and had seen how he really was. And she was incredibly grateful for that.

Yet despite, or maybe because all of this he had hurt her like no one else had before and she had hurt him as well. Perhaps one couldn’t exist without the other, perhaps someone could only mean this much to you if they were also the one who could because you the most.

Yon-Rogg stared at his plate for a while, making Carol think he wasn’t about to reply to her question but then he finally did.

“I…” he didn’t know how he could explain it to her, how he could tell her he didn’t know, that he couldn’t tell anymore which were real memories and which were just thoughts and ideas created by the Supreme Intelligence. “Sometimes, it’s a memory. Yes.”

He didn’t like the look on Carol face, that concern in her gaze. On Hala he had always been the one to protect the other, who constantly worried about her but now their roles were reversed and he didn’t know how to adjust to that, if he could adjust to that. He knew how to take care of someone, he had done it all his life, but he didn’t know how to get taken care of.

Carol nodded and smiled gently.

“It often hard to tell isn’t it?”

She understood what he meant even without him saying it out loud which had always been the case and a blessing in the Starforce but now only felt like a curse to him. He didn’t want her to understand, he didn’t want her to know what this even felt like. Whenever she would turn up at his door, completely in distress due to yet another dream, he always wanted to tell her, wanted to lift this burden from her. He had already felt horrible about what he was doing to her back then but to now know her pain was in any way similar to his made him hate himself even more.

“I’m so sorry,” he clenched his fist around the fork he was holding. “So sorry.”

“I don’t know if it helps,” Carol began, feeling overwhelmed with the entire situation. “But I have already forgiven you. You only need to forgive yourself.”

“Then forgive yourself as well,” his face softened. “Even though there really is nothing to be forgiven.”

He was right, she knew that. If she wanted him to take her advice she should take it herself as well – no matter how hard it was. Perhaps it would even inspire him to follow her lead if she’d follow the path first but she wasn’t so sure if she had the strength to do that.

“Do you want to go outside tonight?” Carol asked when the tension between them became unbearable and she felt like they had backed themselves into a corner. “It’s actually really beautiful outside.”

The more casual conversion helped him to relax.

“You still want to drag me to whatever place of entertainment you desire?” he was half teasing half genuinely wondering. It wasn’t like he had ever actually minded Vers asking him to come along whenever she went to establishments he’d usually avoid as it never mattered to him where they went as long as he could spent time with her. However he had still pretended to only give in reluctantly.

He didn’t even know why he had kept hiding how he really felt as she had understood him anyway. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to admit his feelings to himself and it had had nothing to do with her.

“Did I say I’d come with you?” she grinned.

“No,” he admitted. “But I don’t go out on my own, you know that.”

“Just say yes,” suddenly Carol felt like she was tricking him into doing something he didn’t want to do, that she perhaps even forced him to bend to her will. “If you want…”

Yon-Rogg heard the sudden change her in voice so he hurried to say: “I’d love to.”

“You really don’t have to if you don’t-”

“I know, Carol. Thank you.”

-

To say they had avoided each other for the rest of the day wouldn’t be quite the truth but they also didn’t seek each other’s company necessarily as they were both too rapt in thought. But days didn’t last for long of this planet and soon the sun had set, making the only natural sources of light its two moons and forcing them to interact again.

“You ready?” she asked on the way to the door, pulling a sweater over her head as she had learnt how cold the nights could get.

“I made time for you in my busy schedule,” he teased, taking the hint to get a warmer piece of clothing himself.

“How incredibly generous of you.”

For some reason she had missed seeing him in hoodies. On Hala it had always been a stark contrast to his suit, it made him look softer in a way. And she enjoyed that a lot. Now she had only seen him in the slave garments and the shirts she had gotten him but somehow the sweater still was something special.

“Is there something wrong with it?” he looked down at himself when she had been starring at him without saying something for too long.

She quickly shook her head and went on to the door, not explaining herself further which he wordlessly accepted. After all she didn’t owe him anything.

Stepping outside into the cold air, Yon-Rogg inhaled deeply as it had been ages since he had set a foot outside the camp - Carol’s home being the exception. She enjoyed seeing the obvious relief on his face.

“So, where are you taking me to?” he looked into the distance, at the skyline of the city that seemed to come even more to live now that it was dark. To his surprised she went the obvious direction. In fact, she didn’t even go away from the ship but to the back of it, pressing a button that revealed a ladder.

“Just follow me,” she ordered, simply flying up to the roof.

“Braggart,” he grinned, using the ladder to get up.

Carol being able to fly had been the most amazing thing about her new found powers to him and to be able to see her do it again, especially when he had never thought he’d see her again at all, meant a lot to him.

She was already on the ground when he had reached her so he sat down next to her, wondering what they were doing but also patient enough not to ask.

 “Turn around,” she expected some form of resistance from him but he did as he was told. Carol turned around as well so that they now were sitting back to back. She leaned onto him causing him to become tense at first, not used to such body contact anymore, but hew slowly relaxed again when she didn’t do anything else or said something.

She waited for him to calm down completely before she carefully rested the back of her head on his shoulder, pleasantly astonished he didn’t become stiff again.

Looking up the stars she smiled.

“I never felt home on Earth, always had my heads up in the clouds,” she held on for a moment, unsure if he still knew what that meant from when she had used the expression on Hala once but he didn’t ask so she continued. “I wanted to become a pilot to be up there as often as possible and now I’m traveling the universe. I don’t even need a plane to fly.”

“You deserve that, it’s what you were meant to do,” he didn’t understand where she was going with this but still wanted her to know that. Carol was the most impressive person he had ever meant and she deserved the entire universe. He had no concept of faith but still believed if someone was supposed to be Captain Marvel it was her.

“You think so?”

“Absolutely.”

“My dad didn’t,” she explained, feeling him become tense again. “Girls shouldn’t climb on trees or play certain games that boys played.” She had wanted to say soccer but realized she’d have to explain what soccer is then. “Let alone join the army.”

Yon-Rogg frowned: “What does your sex have to do with any of this?”

“In our culture women are seen as the weaker sex. Certain activities are considered things only men should do, while others are considered to be more feminine.”

“That’s ridiculous,” he had really tried not to insult Carol’s home planet but this just didn’t make any sense to him. There was indifference on Hala regarding skin colors but someone’s sex had no significance whatsoever. He knew there were species in the universe – usually they were of a primitive nature - where one sex was significantly weaker than the other or others but from what he had seen of Terrans this wasn’t the case here. Carol was the strongest person he knew and she was a woman.

“It is but what I’m trying to say is, my dad never believed in me or supported me. My family didn’t even try to stay in contact when I left for the military academy.”

Admittedly Yon-Rogg didn’t know a whole lot of C-53 culture but from her words he concluded that her family’s behavior was rather unusual and really hurt her. He had never been close to his family since emotional bonds in the extent of the ones Carol was talking about didn’t exist for Kree yet he couldn’t fathom why her loved ones would abandon their child, even if it was fully grown, like this.

“No one ever believed in me or accepted me the way I am,” Carol continued before he could go on a rant about how horrible her family was. “No one except for a friend I met at the academy. And you.”

Now he didn’t know what to say.

“For obvious reasons I could never fully appreciate your love and acceptance as Vers but I do now. I always felt like I didn’t belong to Hala, to the Kree, because I was so different but looking back at it I had felt the same on Earth. However with you I always felt like I have a home, that I’m perfect exactly how I am.”

She closed her eyes to fully focus on feeling his body’s reactions.

“I know you think you stole six years of my life and maybe you did in a way but in exchange you gave me another thousand to live. Not only did you save my life but by doing so you also gave me the freedom I can experience now.”

“You shot the drive,” Yon-Rogg corrected hoarsely. “So if anyone’s it was yours or Mar-Vell’s doing.”

“I would have died if you would have left me behind and I would have died if you didn’t give me your blood,” she reminded him. “You taught me how to control and use my powers. I don’t like to admit it but I probably would have ended up accidentally killing myself if it wasn’t for you.”

Carol smiled thinking of their first training, when she ended up getting frustrated and lost control over her powers due to it. She had shot him across the gym and unlike years later had felt horrible about it. She had hurt the only person who had been there for her since she had woken up on this strange planet. He had been nothing but kind to her and that was what she did to him. It had also been the first time she had used her powers at all and it immediately scared her. Before she had been incredibly proud the Supreme Intelligence had chosen her but if her powers meant she would have to end up hurting the ones she cared about she didn’t want them. Crying she had expected for Yon-Rogg to be angry, to hate her but the first thing she had done was asking if she is okay, gently taking her hands – the very hands that had hurt him – into his to search for possible injuries as they didn’t know yet if the photon energy would harm her as well.

Seeing her cry he had thought she was hurt and didn’t even draw the conclusion she could be afraid of him being mad at her as anger really was the last thing he had felt. He knew it had been an accident, not an actual attack – something he would have deserved anyway.

Patiently he had taught her control over the years, never giving up on her no matter how hard it was for both of them in the beginning. Whenever she managed to use them successfully and exactly like he had wanted her to, he had been even happier and more excited for her than she was. Yon-Rogg had always supported her and, unknowingly to her at that time, always defended her from anyone who doubted her.

And she wanted him to know that all of this meant a lot to her.

“Someone else could have been your teacher.”

“Everyone else was way too scared to train with me.”

He tried to argue with her but he knew it was true – although he wouldn’t have used the word ‘scared’ as being afraid wasn’t very Kree-like. Yon-Rogg couldn’t even blame anyone for not wanting to spar with her as her blasts did hurt, a lot, however any and all pain had always been worth it for him as seeing her face light up whenever she achieved something new was more than enough of a reward.

“I was, maybe even still am, hurt because I trusted you, I never expected you – out of all of people – to be able to lie to me like this,” Carol got back to her original point. “However I realize now that you didn’t have a choice, not a real one at least. I am still hurt and will probably need a while to fully trust you again, not gonna lie, but I forgave you.”

He became tense again.

“What you had to do isn’t important to me anymore. But what you didn’t have to do will be forever.”

Yon-Rogg started to tremble, inhaling sharply.

“You never had to laugh about my humor – though my jokes are pretty good. You never had to start joking as well. You never had to open your door for me. You never had to follow me wherever I wanted to go just because I asked you to. You never had to become my friend,” she opened her eyes again, leaning away from his back. “You never had to save my life. You never had to share your blood with me. You never had to take responsibility for me. You never had to train me. You never had to defend me. You never had to protect me.”

He was still turned away from her when she looked at him.

“You didn’t have to choose me over the Supreme Intelligence. You never had to let me go without even attempting to fight. You never had to give up your own life.”

Gently, as she was still too afraid of overstepping his boundaries, she wrapped her arms around his chest him from behind, resting her forehead against the back of his head.

“But you did. And while I wished you wouldn’t have done a few of those things I’m still thankful for them. No one else would have ever done this for me,” she held still when she heard, felt him sobbing. “Did you hurt me? Yes. But you have done much more for me, so much more. Maybe you can’t forgive yourself immediately, just like I can’t completely trust you immediately but… I’d love for you to try. Not for me but for you.”

Instinctively she softly pressed her lips against the back of his head.

“Because you deserve to be happy.”

She had feared he’d push her away or even run off into the night as Yon-Rogg had never shown this vulnerable state to her but even though he did hesitate for a moment, he suddenly turn around, not quite hugging her back yet but pressing his face into her shoulder, crying almost quietly.

Later she’d wonder if he had ever done this before, if he had ever shown someone all the pain he was feeling. She’d wonder how many times he had felt like this on Hala; how many times she hadn’t noticed he was suffering. But right now she would only hold him, support him, do anything within her power to show that she was there for him. He didn’t say anything, she didn’t say anything, but somehow this might have been the most honest conversation they ever had.

-

Spending the nights on the roof, watching the stars while they were talking, had become their tradition during the time they were still stuck on this planet. None of their conversation ever turned out to be as serious or important as the first one but they started to warm to one another again, so much so that it often times felt like they were back on Hala – only that this time there was no lie between them.

Despite all her fears Yon-Rogg turned out to be exactly the man she had known for so many years, the more he became comfortable around her again, the more they started to have casual days again. He would spend most of his on the ship, planning the perfect escape for the slaves as well as doing most of the chores (the better he felt, the more he complained about Carol’s chaos), while she was out in the city, trying to find the perfect ship. It had become so much of a routine that when she finally had found one and he had figured a hopefully bulletproof plan, they both started to worry things will change forever.

They still hadn’t talked about what happened as Carol was too afraid to ruin all her progress with him but as they got closer to the date that could possibly be the day Yon-Rogg would leave her, she figured they’d finally have to. She had believed him when he had said he loved her. As much as she had trouble blindly trusting him she did believe he was telling her the truth but she also knew that sometimes love wasn’t enough for someone to stay – especially not if they had so much to deal with like Yon-Rogg did. He felt undeserving of her and she wished she could change that.

He on the other hand already didn’t feel worthy of anything Carol did for and with him and expected this alliance to end as soon as they had saved the other people from the camp. Yon-Rogg thought this was the only right thing for her to do, that there was no reason for her to keep him around but selfishly he still wished she did – and he hated himself for it.

They had just left the atmosphere in their new ship when Carol turned on the auto-pilot, crossing her arms behind her head and she leaned back in her chair, sighing loudly.

“Finally I have something other to do again than running around and asking for ships,” she said, sounding more excited than she actually was. It wasn’t like Carol didn’t look forward to have a proper mission again but she didn’t look forward to what could possibly follow after.

“You could have cleaned up the storeroom,” Yon-Rogg commented next to her, completely serious yet also to tease her. “Or the kitchen.”

“They weren’t even messy,” she groaned causing him to raise an eyebrow.

“You couldn’t see the floor of the storeroom.”

“Because it was so full, not because I’m untidy.”

“An entire shelf was completely empty.”

“That was my special shelf that was reserved for other things.”

“Sure it was,” he grinned, making it impossible for her to not be more amused than annoyed.

If you are so concerned about the state of my rooms, she thought. Then maybe stay to keep them in check.

She jumped out of the chair, stretching herself: “We may face some resistance from the guards and I suppose you haven’t fought in a while. Are you sure you can do this?”

He was aware she was just trying to make him train with her but took the bait for her.

“Want to check?”

Wordlessly she walked to the room they planned to let the freed prisoners stay in as it was the biggest the ship possessed and he followed her. She positioned herself, prompting him to do the same and Yon-Rogg wondered if she had changed over the years. She must have learnt a few new moves at least but right when he was wondering if he should make the first move for once, she already threw herself at him.

“Still impatient I see,” he easily blocked her first hit and avoided the second.

“I like to offer an element of surprise.”

“It would be a surprise if you would think before attacking,” he answered as he kept eluding her blows, waiting for the right moment to strike. Then he grinned: “Or if you would think at all.”

Carol did her best to look offended but couldn’t hide her smile. She had missed this, they both had missed this. Sparring had been a part of their daily routine on Hala not only to stay fit but also because it distracted her from her nightmares yet somehow it had also always been more than that to them. Whenever they fought, no one and nothing else mattered anymore. It was just the two of them. Close and intimate.

Saving several planets she of course had her fair share of fights in the past few years but fighting him, even though they weren’t actually trying to hurt one another, was a welcome challenge. They knew each other so well, knew their bodies and tactics - it was exhausting but in a way also one of the most relaxing activities.

“Focus,” he told her as he managed to land a hit due to her distraction.

“Do you ever stop being a teacher,” she was more frustrated with herself for having let him have that.

“Yes, when you stop being in need of one,” he was able to strike her again thanks to her frustration. At this point he had fully expected her to lose control like he was used to on Hala but despite being obviously annoyed, she was still calm.

“Perhaps I just need a better teacher.”

He laughed - for the first time since she had saved him he laughed. And it was just as beautiful as when she had heard it for the first time.

Somehow she still managed to use his short distraction to throw her whole body against his, causing him to fall over while pulling her down with him. She quickly positioned herself in a way that would have made it able for her to hit him right into his face if he was an actual enemy and grinned.

“Perhaps I’m not such a failure as a teacher after all.”

Carol made herself comfortable on top of him, refusing to give him an easy way out. The last time she had managed to knock him down he had used her celebrating herself to immediately push her off him and knock her down instead – she didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.

He struggled for a moment until realizing he couldn’t free himself. Unlike her he knew when he had lost and accepted his defeat.

“You won,” he admitted, smiling gently.

“I know,” she grinned, still not moving off him.

“You can stand up now.”

“I can, yes.”

“Carol.”

“Beg for it.”

His face fell.

She had just been joking, trying to tease him a bit for having lost in what he’d consider a fair fight and she thought he would know that but apparently he didn’t. Yon-Rogg didn’t move, didn’t say anything, he just stared at her in fear, like she was about to do something terrible to him and it broke her heart.

Carol immediately stood up, taking a step back to give him more space.

“I was joking…” she explained. “I’m sorry.”

He slowly sat up, shaking and breathing heavily.

“It’s not…” he took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face, swallowing hard. “I’m fine.”

“You are obviously anything but fine,” she said concerned however without moving closer to him. She didn’t want to make whatever he was going through right now even worse.

“Yon-Rogg…” she tried again when he didn’t react, just stared at the ground, his hands clinching the fabric of his shirt. He was sweating and Carol knew it couldn’t possibly be due to the little exhaustion of their fight. “I’m here, okay?”

She kneeled down where she was standing to get a little bit closer to him without actually moving towards him.

He finally looked at her, his eyes filled with tears.

“Let me help you,” it wasn’t an order, it was a plea. “Please.”

There was nothing he wanted more than to comply, to do exactly what she wanted, even if it was just for her. But he just couldn’t.

“Yon…”

He didn’t say anything.

“We could sit back to back again,” she had figured it was easier for him to talk about private things when he didn’t have to face her so she suggested to repeat what they had done just a few days ago. It was a good method to make him more comfortable as he not only didn’t have to look at her but also could still feel her support, that she quite literally had his back.

Yon-Rogg hesitated.

To make the first step she turned away from him, hoping he’d do the same. It felt like an eternity even though it only took a few seconds but finally she felt his weight against her.

“I don’t know how…” he began when he had collected himself, struggling to find words. No one had ever asked him how he felt; only that he at best shouldn’t feel and at worst should at least hide how he feels. So having to talk about it was a whole new experience – and it scared him.

“Was it what I said?” Carol knew what he was struggling with. Despite having told her to control her emotions again and again he had never shamed her whenever she had cried in front of him or admitted to be scared early on when everything on Hala was still so new to her. He had always helped her. And that probably was a help he had never gotten himself.

He nodded slightly before he realized she couldn’t see him: “Yes…”

“Was it something the Supreme Intelligence said?”

“Yes.”

The thought alone mad her sick. Imagining Yon-Rogg seriously begging for anything seemed so wrong to her, especially when it was asked for by someone as vile as the Intelligence.

“When?” she wasn’t sure if she even wanted to know but this wasn’t about her.

He was quiet for a moment.

“On several occassions.”

She did her best to not react in anyway. If he’d realize how uncomfortable she was, Carol feared, he’d stop talking about it.

“What else did they say?”

“I…” he leaned slightly away from her but his lower back was still touching hers. “I don’t think they necessarily said anything wrong.”

Carol didn’t like the sound of that at all. Insulting him was one thing but him agreeing with the insult was on a whole different level.

“Such as?”

“That I’m worthless,” he replied hoarsely. “A failure, a burden. That I’m undeserving. That you-” He didn’t want to say it out loud, didn’t want to remind Carol of it but he also didn’t want to lie anymore. “That you’d be disgusted if you knew of my feelings, that I already make you uncomfortable.”

“They said what?” she couldn’t even tell what outraged her more. Trying to keep her tone down, she took a deep breath before she continued but her thoughts were still all over the place. “Why would I- They knew I- God…”

She closed her eyes to focus, to not fly right to Hala to destroy that artificial garbage.

“I’m actually not surprised they lied to you like this but still I’m still shocked. Disgusted? Really? That’s what they told you?”

“If… If you knew, yes.”

“I was in love with you too! They knew that, there is no way they didn’t know that. Disgusted my ass.”

He was too shocked to say anything.

“And worthless, a failure? They made you the leader of the Starforce. You were at the top of the elite warriors of Hala. You were the best warrior the Empire had to offer. You were a hero. Even they acknowledged that by promoting you this much, by letting you come this far – especially at such a young age,” she realized he could interpret that as a way of her saying he was stupid to believe them. “It’s just revolting they made you believe otherwise. That they manipulated you this much.”

Yon-Rogg still was speechless.

“I know me saying all of this doesn’t change anything but I really hope you’ll one day understand how wrong everything they told you is. You are worthy, Yon, worthy of everything good in your life, of being happy.”

He didn’t reply and was glad she couldn’t see he was crying.

“Did they hurt you in different ways too?” she already knew the answer must be yes but asked him anyway in the hopes that talking about it would somehow help him overcome all of this. At least a little bit. Yon-Rogg must have held back his emotions for years if not entire decades – it was about time he got the chance to heal.

He swallowed, trying to regain control over his voice, before he slowly replied.

“They can’t hurt me…”

Carol frowned, wondering if he actually believed that or just tried to lie to himself.

“They cannot injure you physically without the help of others, yes. But that doesn’t mean they cannot hurt you, Yon.”

She wondered if Kree even had a concept of emotional trauma - judging by her life on Hala and the absence of therapists or simple education about mental illnesses probably not. Considering how advanced the Kree Empire was that could have surprised her but the negative attitude towards emotions certainly explained it.

Yon-Rogg move slightly, fighting with himself not to run away, something Carol realized immediately.

“It’s absolutely okay if you want to stop,” she tried to phase it in a way that would show him she wouldn’t be mad if he wanted to go because she really wouldn’t be.

“No, I…” he didn’t spoke any further.

“My last encounter with them was really terrifying.”

Perhaps, she thought, by talking about her experience he will have an easier time talking about his.

“Of course it was all in my head but, God, it felt so real.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered starring at the floor. “I didn’t want them to hurt you…”

“I know!” she hurried to say. Making him feel horrible about himself was really the last thing she wanted to do. “It’s their fault, Yon. Not yours.”

Carol realized why it was such a hard concept for him to understand but trying to figure out a way to make him understand proved to be quite difficult. Yon-Rogg had executed the Supreme Intelligence orders, had captured her and brought her back to them so naturally he blamed himself for that – and she would too, did in fact before she realized what he had gone through. It was impossible to tell if she would have done the same but she knew a lot of people would – especially after so much abuse and manipulation. And, ironically, he would forgive her instantly if she had done it but because it was him he only saw the fault in his behavior instead of blaming the Intelligence.

“There is a difference between doing something wrong because you believed it to be right and doing something wrong because you just want to hurt someone.”

“The outcome of both can be the same,” he argued.

“You can accidentally kill someone and you can kill someone on purpose. The person is dead in either case but the first one is not nearly as bad as the second, right?”

His silence signaled that he was seriously considering her words.

“When they attacked me it felt so much like they were hurting my body directly,” she continued. “It was terrifying.”

“It is,” he said almost silently. “When…”

She waited for him to be ready to hopefully finish his sentence.

“When they hit you it… it’s actually worse than physical pain…”

Carol had to force herself to breathe normally to avoid alarming him and possibly causing him to stop. Instead she gently reached behind, slowly to give him enough chances to resist or say no, to blindly find his hand which she, once she did, held in hers. She was pleasantly surprised to feel him hold onto hers as well.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“You said you loved me on Hala,” he hesitated. “Was it the lie that caused you to stop doing so? Or did I do something else?”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Oh,” somehow he sounded disappointed and relieved at the same time. He probably really didn’t know how to feel about this. “So you just fell out of love…”

“No,” she admitted, finally feeling ready to say it. “I never stopped.”

An automated voice announced their arrival in the solar system of their targeted planet, forcing Carol to take over the controls again to ensure they’d manage to land without alarming any security systems.

Just like in the old days they both immediately pushed their feelings aside for now to focus however they still felt a weird mixture of relief and regret over not getting to continue this conversation despite knowing they’d have to once they had finished in their mission.

-

“Stop moving so much.”

“Then stop hurting me so much!”

Yon-Rogg sighed to at least pretend he was annoyed with her - even if his smile suggested otherwise.

“I need to clean your wound or else it may get infected,” he explained in spite of being aware that she knew that as well. Carol grunted, only making him smile wider.

 “Exactly. It may get infected so there is a chance it doesn’t which makes this whole procedure completely redundant- ouch!”

Yon-Rogg had a hard time suppressing his laughter as he knew she was overly dramatic on purpose- something he preferred to what he was usually used to by her. During their time in the Starforce she had gotten wounds that were far worse than – in fact some were so severe that this one seemed like a small scratch in comparison – yet just like a Kree she had always pretended to be fine, that she wasn’t in pain at all. Back then it was what was expected of her, not by him but by the Empire’s standards, so to now see her without such cultural restrictions was a blessing.

“I would have been finished twenty minutes ago if you didn’t move so much,” he ignored her nonsensical statement ending his task. “There. Congratulations, you survived.”

Now that the wound was clean he could finally apply the lube to seal and protect it until it fully healed on its own - which thankfully shouldn’t take more than a few days.

“Besides,” Yon-Rogg put the tube away, looking at her smugly. “It’s your own fault you are injured.”

“A simple ‘Thank you for saving my life, Carol.’ would suffice.”

“You know you didn’t do that.”

Everything had worked perfectly and according to plan without getting interrupted by any unforeseen confounders until nearby Kree scouts had noticed suspicious activities on the planet and landed to check the situation. Just when Yon-Rogg and Carol were gathering the last couple of slaves, they suddenly got attacked by a handful of them, giving them an admittedly brief challenge. Their previous fights with the guards had been calculated and calm however due to the unpredictable nature of this one, they had to act fast and instinctively. Of course the scouts weren’t a real match for either of them but one of the guards Carol had shut down quite early on somehow managed to fire at them one last time before passing out. The shot was meant for him not her but seeing the scout’s movement Carol immediately jumped in between him and Yon-Rogg to shield the latter.

It was by no means a deadly wound, wouldn’t have caused any worse damage on him than that either, so Yon-Rogg wondered why she protected him anyway - if it was just the habit of a hero or if she really couldn’t tell how dangerous the situation was (something that seemed unlike her).

He was still thankful however. Though he would have preferred she hadn’t gotten hurt protecting him he was almost flattered she had done. That he meant that much to her.

“But thank you. Really.”

Carol pulled her sleeve down now that the lube had dried and slid off the table she had been sitting on.

“That’s better,” she exclaimed.

“Shouldn’t you thank me for treating your wound as well?” he didn’t actually felt like she had to but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to tease her.

She pretended to be offended by the thought: “Thank you for hurting me?”

“Again, it’s your own fault you got into this situation. You didn’t have to ‘save’ me,” carefully he put the medical equipment back into their case. “Why did you do it anyway?”

He really was curious which of the two scenarios he imagined was the right one. “I didn’t know you were so bad at judging the damage a simple blaster would cause.”

“I knew exactly what it would cause,” she snapped before thinking about her answer more carefully.

“Then why?” the teasing tone of his voice was gone now and she seemed to have changed as well.

She was quiet making him wonder if he had said something wrong and ready to apologize. He wouldn’t insist on an answer and was willing to drop the topic but then she replied.

“You had to endure enough pain already.”

Yon-Rogg frowned.

“And you didn’t?”

“I have caused you enough pain,” she ignored him. “So I should at least protect you from additional one.”

He shook his head: “Carol we have talked about this, it’s not your fault. Everything I did was my decision.”

“Sending you back to the Supreme Intelligence wasn’t.”

“No,” he admitted. “But I chose to… betray them which was the reason for my punishment.”

“You thought I’d kill you, didn’t you? That you wouldn’t even have to face them.”

“That’s my miscalculation, Carol, not your wrongdoing.”

“You told me you cannot go back empty handed and I didn’t listen-” her voice cracked at the mental image of how broken he was back then, how hopeless. “That’s my-”

“Carol,” he addressed her gently but firmly, hoping it would get through to her. “You didn’t know.” And even if you did your behavior still wouldn’t be wrong, he thought, knowing he couldn’t say that to her without immediately facing a counterargument.

After a brief moment of hesitation he took her hand into his: “You never caused me any pain. A headache, yes, because you always refused to listen to my lectures and also a lot of anxiety whenever you would just ran into dangerous situations on missions but never pain.”

“They treated you this horribly because of me,” she argued, holding back her tears. “Even on Hala they had already mistreated you.”

“And enduring all of this was worth it,” Yon-Rogg replied honestly. “So worth it.”

She looked away in an attempt to hide the fact that she was crying: “All this time I didn’t even notice you were suffering.”

“Because I never was when I was with you! Some days were quite… rough but then I would get to see you again, see you smile and laugh and I knew I would do it all over again just for this,” he said softly, still holding her hand. “I was never suffering or even felt slightly bad around you.”

“I thought I gave you headaches,” she laughed briefly through her tears as she wiped them away with the heel of her free hand.

“Even those felt good,” he smiled, resisting the urge to wipe her tears away himself. “You have always been the colors in my life, Carol. Not the darkness.”

She still didn’t forgive herself completely, just as he didn’t forgive himself but somehow she knew they’d be able to one day. Together.

“Would… would you like to continue getting these headaches? After all of this?” despite everything she couldn’t get herself to ask him directly to stay but he understood her anyway, like he always had.

“I’d love to.”

Without furthering thinking about it she pulled her hand away from his to hug him and he immediately returned her embrace, holding her tightly. Her cheek was pressed against shoulder just so she hadn’t to face him when she said: “I meant what I said earlier...”

He waited a moment before he replied.

“I know you did – but I don’t think I can accept your love… yet. I’m sorry.”

“That’s alright,” she answered quietly. “I’m willing to wait.”

“It may take me some time, a lot of time.”

“You never gave up on me on Hala so I won’t give up on you either,” Carol lifted her head to look at him, her teary eyes meeting his. Because I love you.

 “Of course you won’t,” he replied softly. “You have always been too stubborn to give up; from the moment I met you.” When I fell in love with you.

“And look where that got me.”

Exactly where I want to be.