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Jihoon doesn’t like how Soonyoung is so cautious around him.
He feels a break in their trust, though there’s not a lot of it to begin with it. There’s something missing when they see each other. And if Jihoon didn’t know any better himself, he would’ve forgotten he was supposedly dating Soonyoung in the first place.
It might have to do with how little they actually see each other.
Indeed, Jihoon had deemed Soonyoung too dangerous to be around his recording equipment, no matter how much cringey aegyo Soonyoung played up, learned from his idol days. Jihoon suspects that Soonyoung never actually expected it to work, for Jihoon’s heart has become rather hardened from Soonyoung’s antics. Somehow, Jihoon feels as if he should feel sorry for it.
But alas, he feels nothing.
He reassures himself that Soonyoung is always practicing in the dance studio, too busy with creating new choreographies and teaching trainees to come visit him even if he was still allowed in. Soonyoung stopped trying to win over Jihoon’s self-imposed restraining order after one particularly bad fight that ended with 200,000 won worth of damaged equipment. Jihoon can’t remember the real reason they fought in the first place, but the only person ever knocking on his studio door nowadays is a poor trainee who’s terribly lost in the large company building.
They sometimes see each other back at their apartment during one of those rare times Jihoon comes back to sleep in an actual bed. And even then, he wakes up to Soonyoung on the floor because Soonyoung knows, he knows, that Jihoon is avert to skinship. It’s awkward when Soonyoung comes in right when Jihoon is making breakfast. He’ll give a tiny wave, just out of courtesy, but either turn right back to the bedroom and wait until Jihoon is gone or leave right then and there. Jihoon ought to ask Soonyoung if he’s eating.
He never gets around to it though.
Jihoon comes back to an empty apartment. He slips into bed and wakes up before the sun rises to an empty apartment. He ought to text Soonyoung, just to make sure he’s alright. So he does.
To: Kwon Soonyoung
are you okay? you're not home
He stares at the text for a few more moments. But nothing happens, and so Jihoon throws his phone towards the end of the bed and begins to pack his stuff for the day. There’s no response even when Jihoon takes a break around lunch, and still none when Jihoon wraps up his day’s work. He feels like he should be worried, but Soonyoung is clumsy and forgetful. And it’s not like he owes Jihoon a response anyway. Still, Jihoon finds himself hovering his thumb over Soonyoung’s phone number as he swivels around in his chair.
Soonyoung responds almost immediately to the call.
“Hoonie? Is there something wrong?”
It hurts Jihoon that Soonyoung would immediately assume something is wrong. But Jihoon doesn’t call all that often, admittedly, so he guesses it makes sense. He fumbles with the pen on his desk.
“No,” Jihoon can hear some yelling in the background, “I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”
There’s a pause.
“No. Chan is here practicing with everyone. The ringtone cut through the music.”
That would explain how Soonyoung picked up so immediately. Jihoon tells himself to ignore the unexplained pit of disappointment brewing in his stomach.
“So, what’s up then?”
How does one express his concerns about a relationship that isn’t broken? Obviously it isn’t the most traditional kind of relationship, but both Jihoon and Soonyoung were workers. Passion-seekers. They both agreed to this when they first started dating. How ironic it is that Jihoon is the only one who has an issue with it.
“I just wanted to see if you were okay,” Jihoon murmurs quietly into the speaker.
There’s another pause. Jihoon doesn’t get nervous often, especially not with Soonyoung. But somehow the hesitance makes Jihoon uneasy. Expressing what they wanted used to be so easy. Chan is yelling again in the background.
“Give me one more minute okay?”
I have to leave in five!
“Then leave in five!”
Jihoon feels even more isolated than he usually is with Soonyoung. He’s so close to just hanging up, but Soonyoung is speaking again before that can happen.
“Kiddos have their debut soon,” The excuse comes out a bit rushed, “Sorry I haven’t been home often.”
“Oh it’s alright.”
More silence. Jihoon feels so awkward, so obligated to just hang up and pretend none of this never happened.
Hyung!
“I’ve got rehearsal Hoonie. I’ll call you back?”
Jihoon has already tuned out from the conversation, choosing to hum in response before he realizes the line has already gone dead.
Jihoon is a coward.
He stares at the roses outside the flower shop for a good ten minutes and then some. The florist inside eyes him carefully, and it almost makes Jihoon mad because like hell he’s going to steal some random flowers. He leaves after he catches the florist getting up off her stool behind the counter.
Can I help you with something?
Jihoon doesn’t know. He really doesn’t know. He doesn’t have the time either, he reminds himself as he quickly makes his way back to the studio with lunch in his hands. He halts in front of the practice room where he can clearly hear the squeak of shoes gliding on the floor and Soonyoung’s sharp voice. Soonyoung’s voice is the calm. It makes Jihoon stare at the bag in his hands and quickly shuffle down the hallway, almost bumping into a trainee in the process.
Jihoon is a coward, truly. He ends up staying the night in the company building, sleeping on his keyboard with his headphones still on.
The box lunch goes cold in the corner of the room.
Soonyoung is laid flat on the floor on a Wednesday evening. He lets the floor cool down his cheek, feel as the air conditioning loosens the grip his sweat has to his clothes. He can barely lift his head when he hears the door open. It’s probably a trainee, some poor kid who forget something from practice. Soonyoung closes his eyes, breathing in the cold air and exhaling fire through his nose, waiting for the sound of the door opening and shutting close again. It never comes.
“Can I help you with something?” Soonyoung rolls over to sit up, turning over to see a familiar head of black hair.
Soonyoung quickly stiffens, choosing at stare at the mirror to his left. He watches Jihoon slowly lift his head to meet his eyes, and Soonyoung turns to match his gaze.
“No,” Jihoon mumbles, “You’ve just been in here for a long time.”
Soonyoung didn't expected a confrontation to happen so soon, but he shuts his eyes and prays, hopes that it’s just him hallucinating. That he just passed out and Jihoon is just part of a dream. He did something wrong. Jihoon is finally getting ahold of himself and has decided Soonyoung just isn’t right.
Please don’t break up with me, please don’t break up with me, please don’t-
“Did you eat?” The words come out small and tentative.
Soonyoung blinks open his eyes to see Jihoon staring at him, expression careful and shielded. His eyes are intense and absolutely beautiful. Soonyoung speaks before he thinks.
“No.”
Jihoon awkwardly brushes at his jeans.
“Let’s get some dinner then.”
The convenience store is mostly empty save for the cashier, scrolling through her phone while Soonyoung picks out two packs of ramen. They pay for their food silently, and it isn’t until Jihoon breaks open his chopsticks does Soonyoung gather something in himself to speak.
“Did you want to talk about something?”
Soonyoung congratulates himself for not sounding scared, like this was completely normal. But it wasn’t; Soonyoung can’t remember the last time they had dinner together, let alone had any meal together. Jihoon stirs the ramen in his little bowl instead of answering.
“I’m really sorry I haven’t-”
“No, don’t be sorry.”
Jihoon is purposely avoiding Soonyoung’s gaze. It makes Soonyoung stare back down at his noodles, and they fall back into silence. Soonyoung loses track of time before he hears Jihoon laugh, or something akin to laughter. He lifts his head to watch Jihoon’s shoulders shake.
“I can’t believe I can’t do this.”
Jihoon is crying, and Soonyoung is almost sure he’s hallucinating because Jihoon never cries. Not when the company told him he had to pound out six songs in two weeks time for an unexpected demo. Not when Soonyoung almost nearly got sent to the hospital because he was practicing too much. Not ever.
Well, maybe once or twice. But Jihoon doesn’t like talking about that much.
“Do you hate me?”
The words are small, frightened, and not meant to be heard. But Soonyoung hears them anyway.
“No.”
Jihoon nods, but he looks lost for a response. He fiddles with his chopsticks, leaving his ramen untouched to go cold in the bitter autumn evening.
“What, what are we doing then?”
There’s something that breaks between the silence and the short conversations. Soonyoung doesn’t particularly want to deal with it right now, because it’s suffocating, just like the last time. He wants to hide away all their problems in a drawer and never look at them ever again, because everything was fine.
Everything is fine.
“Goddamn it Soonyoung, I can’t do this,”
“Are you going to break up with me?”
Jihoon snaps his head up with the single handedly most desperate expression Soonyoung has seen on him in the past eleven months. It serves to only fuel Soonyoung's confusion, because he has no idea what is on Jihoon's mind if it's not about breaking up.
“No, no I-”
Jihoon loses it, which comes up as a surprise because they’re all alone in on the side of the street, “-I’m not.”
“Then, what do you want?”
Soonyoung is tired. He hates having to be selfish too. “Jihoon I love you so much. Everytime I work I can’t get you out of my mind and if that sounds stupid I don’t know what to tell you because even if I try to ignore it I still get excited when you text me or when I just think about you. And if you want to take a break or whatever I’m okay. I’m okay, really.”
Jihoon is silent. Soonyoung wants to say more, yell at Jihoon for everything that he has had to go through in the last eleven months because he’s only so strong. But he doesn’t. He knows. He knows that Jihoon knows. Whatever words come out of his mouth now will only serve to make him regret everything more later.
“Let’s go back, yeah? You’ve got class tomorrow.”
Soonyoung slurps up the last of the noodles and sips at the remaining soup before he looks at Jihoon. Jihoon is startled at the tiredness in his gaze.
“Can we sleep together tonight?” Soonyoung’s voice is hesitant. There’s silence. Silence scares Jihoon. He doesn’t even know why it’s taking so long for him to say yes.
“It’s alright I know-“
“Yes,” Jihoon hastily interrupts, “Of course we can.”
Soonyoung gives him a careful look that shatters Jihoon’s heart. It’s been a long time, he knows, since they’ve spent the night together. Jihoon almost lives in his studio, and Soonyoung is always up too late perfecting choreography. It hurts, but work is important to both of them. Maybe that’s the only reason why their relationship works. Instead, Jihoon quietly murmurs under his breath.
“I love you, you know that right?”
The words feel heavy on his tongue, but Jihoon doesn’t mind. Especially not when Soonyoung’s lips curl into a small smile, making his cheeks scrunch up. The dancer nearly knocks over his bowl in the attempt to get over to where Jihoon is. And when he does, Jihoon doesn’t mind how Soonyoung gathers him hurriedly in his arms in a large hug, mumbling a quiet I love you too. Jihoon closes his eyes and slowly brings his arms up to wrap around Soonyoung.
Really, he is a fool.