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The popularity of her ardent visage was beyond reproach. Xyx furrowed his brows incredulously, crinkling the crisp journal that bore the heading of “Ah-d-yah: shameless or trendsetting?”. Most usually, Xyx did not possess either interest or time - in line with his preferences and work ethic - in showbiz gossip, but recently, the phenomenon of a new rising nomadic singer seemed to grasp the world's attention. Despite her interviews and candid imagery, she was quite an elusive persona, and it was challenging to pinpoint her true thoughts and nature, as if it was woven in strands of lyrics and concepts. But like any star, her flame is bound to die out eventually. He just didn't expect to come across as a single spectator.
- Do I spy a legend? - As he met a black void in front of him, he heard a tingle of bewilderment and a slight tease coming from the new server member.
- How did you know I'm a spy? - He narrowed his gaze suspiciously, curving his lips upwards. - No matter. Maybe it is your secret identity we should be worried about? - He leaned his face against his fist.
- Perhaps. - She uttered. - More comfy that way. Very anticipation-building. How else am I gonna keep you up at night, wondering what I look like? - She chuckled, and Xyx knew. It was so on.
- I would share my suggestions, yet I can't propose them to the person who doesn't even dare to show their face. Cowardice, perhaps? Or a “oh-I-stay-anonymous-coz-I'm-such-an-important-person”-bull? - He grimaced slightly, using an annoying nasal pitch that would get on anyone's nerves. At least on a newbie's nerves.
- Says the dude who got autotune of a ninth grader that became obsessed with Vendetta. - She spat out sarcastically, and Xyx could practically hear the eye roll.
- What can I say? - The lad tapped on the soundboard, turning off the cover and casually dropping his natural voice suavely. - I'm a man with an extensive history. - He winked, alluring with his voice. Zero reaction. Seems like no fun.
- If that's my cue to reveal my cards, I object. - He heard the chair rolling, the voice sounding further away.
- Hold it on, then. It’s no matter to me. - He shrugged, leaning back on his chair. - So what do you think of the server so far?
- It’s pretty… interesting. - Adi said, her voice expressing contempt.
- Sure, sure. Bound to be with this bunch of nerds. And yes, I do consider myself a singular cool person among them. - Xyx grinned cheekily, and she scoffed.
- But of course.
- And on that note, it’s time for me to depart and go do more mysterious things. Same goes to you, Ms. Shyness.
- Who said I’m shy.
- You are shy.
- Right. - She scoffed. - And MISTAH. - She paused, sneering. - Should I call you MISTAH? Why are you gay.
- WhO sAid I’m gEi? - He gasped, feigning offence.
- You are gei. - They both chuckled. - Toodles then.
- Night. - Xyx uttered, ending the call.
***
- Did you know that penguins do actually have knees? - Adi rambled as they were going through 21 questions.
- All birds have knees. - Xyx mumbled, yawning. It has become a usual thing, their calls, his background being the Shutterstock image of a beach, prying away from his room's contents. Her screen blank as always, a soft melodious voice being the only indicator of her presence.
- How would you know, watched some National Geographic? - He imagined her squinting in suspicion.
- I'm Australian. - He beamed proudly. Tapping sounds of a keyboard and an unsure voice followed:
- That doesn't qualify you as an ornay- ornitlo- ornithologist. - She stuttered. The man imagined her eyebrows furrowed in concentration, the unknown word rolling on her tongue awkwardly, trying to choose the proper stress. Cute.
- Did you seriously look it up? - He chuckled, raising an eyebrow. At this point, looking at the abyss was entertaining no more, so Xyx studied the garland above his desk instead. Halloween's coming. He closed his eyes, the reality of his ageing creeping closer than he thought.
- Hey, English is not my first language. - She said in a jokingly defensive tone.
- Nah, it's the sheer need of the fact burial I'm talking about. - He said, leaning back, now addressing the ceiling. “This is getting tiring” - he huffed, head full of possible images and visions, but kept the ramble going. - Although pretty surprising, really. You don't come off as a non-native speaker.
- Maybe because I actually studied, duh. Are you regretting your fresh paint choice or something? - She questioned, pitch of her tone indicating an eyebrow raise. Are they similar to his, thinner, light or expressive? Why would it matter, anyway?
- Nah. Just tired of talking to the void. The mysterious image was quite tempting, but I was never sold completely. - He confessed nonchalantly.
- So you're saying that it's boring. Thought you enjoyed our chats.
- Doesn't mean I didn't, just… sharing is caring, right? Or are you too self-aware?
- I wouldn't say I'm ugly.
- Prove it then.
- I know I'm not ugly, so I don't have to prove it. - He imagined the arms, folding, body, crouching, shoulders slightly slumping.
- Figured you'd say that. - He tapped on the desk rhythmically. - You could probably rival my stubbornness, you know. I admire that. Although I might be the sole winner in the looks department.
- Bitch, please. You ain’t that special. - There she goes, rolling her eyes again, scoffing.
- Blasphemy. I am the most charming, ruggedly handsome, excruciatingly irresistible person you’ve-
And then, a meow. A prolonged pause. He looked back at the shelf, the cat sprawled, stretching its limbs and massaging toebeans in the air.
- You have a cat?! - She gasped, the pitch going up by two octaves, at least.
- It’s just a random stray, doesn’t even have a name. I just call it “Cat”. - He lowered his voice, not wishing to admit any sort of connection to the animal. It's not like he is attached to it. - It just lives rent-free, coming and going wherever it likes, extorting food from me. A little thief.
- I have to see it! Show me the baby! - An excited chatter filled his speakers, and Xyx sighed, revealing his room’s interior. Adi awed contentedly, her voice full of warmth. - It’s adorable. So fluffy. So cute. I'm gonna eat it.
- Now, that wouldn't be nice to Cat, doll. - He snickered, shoulders slumping. He closed his eyes, smiling contentedly. It's been a long day, and he kinda needed this. For someone just to be around, supporting a stupid banter. - And would generally end you in jail.
- Not if you don't snitch me. - She giggled. - Can't help but want to devour the best creatures alive. Wait for a second. - She stood up, judging from the chair roll, walking away, her feet tapping further in distance, yet coming back in a minute. A flick of a finger, a push of one single button - and Xyx was immediately glued to the screen, actually seeing something for the first time in their short acquaintance.
There was a cat. A big chonky grey British shorthair with round amber kitten-like eyes full of “I’m so done with you” expression. Slightly tanned arms cradling the fluffy creature, a yellow set of pjs with white hibiscus flowers, and a big-toothed smile, as the woman was massaging fluffy cheeks.
- Meet Sayuri. - Although the rest of the face was unseen, Xyx could tell that she was gleaming. - My child.
There was navy blue hair, puffy and straight. A yellow shirt that awfully resembled his. Beaded stone bracelets in different colors, some of them with charms. A soft creamy light from the desk lamp, the rest of the room dark, but Xyx could still discern some pictures on the wall, as well as a shelf of vinyl disks and framed certificates.
- He's a chonky one, that fella. - He smiled softly, seeing the cat struggling, trying to wiggle his way out.
- Excuse you? - Her mouth agape, even the cat seeming to hear, now staring directly at him. - It's a “she”! How dare you misgender my baby! - Her shoulders moved as she let go of one of her arms and gestured expressively, clearly offended. Interesting.
- Quite a big lady, then. - He grinned, leaning in his hand, eyes half-lidded. And there it was, an image he pictured half a dozen of times at this point: an open mouth, choking on words it wasn't able to formulate out of indignation, a hand raising in air out of pure unspoken frustration, with only a missing piece being wide orbs and brows furrowed full of annoyance. Just the way he imagined.
- She's normal-sized for her breed! - Adi said, cradling the so-done pet even closer. - Wait, I get it, you're just rage-baiting me. Nooow it figures, alright. - She finally let the cat go, leaning back in her chair, and from this angle, the anonymity mask shattered, her face seen clear as day. Although she covered her eyes with a palm, rubbing the temples, Xyx did pay attention to striking black eyebrows, a straight button nose, a triangle of moles the left cheek beared and a long open forehead, hair slightly dishevelled, natural black grown to the ear level. He cleared his throat.
- I have to say, you certainly look interesting.
- Huh? - She put her hand away, confused brown eyes squinting at the screen. Several moments of long lashes fluttering, eyes going wide, lower lip quivering, and: - Shit. Shit, shit, shit-
A panicked leap on feet, rushed clicks on a mousepad, and just like that, Xyx was left in the dark again. Only this time, completely alone.
***
He was stuck at the buzzing server involuntarily, keeping his jokes afloat just barely. Nightowl and onionthief coming for each other's heads, per usual. June and BigLady simping on lesbian ships of the fandom - nothing to see there. Quest trying to keep everyone behaved while Toaster is, well, being Toaster, flooding their private “teachers’ lounge” with suggestions for next gaming sessions. No blue hair in sight.
It's been 3 days since that incident. Should be plenty of time to recover, no? Why would no one address the sudden disappearance? Sure, sometimes people were inactive and then had random outbursts of energy - Xyx himself included - but no one has even gone for days.
Why would it matter to him, anyway? He didn't even know that person until two weeks ago. He proceeds with his routine per usual, going to work, exchanging pleasantries with colleagues and clients, getting himself involved in activities that could certainly end up killing him, if he wanted, and then logging in to the server. But a part of their daily banters was missing. Him teasing the heck out of her, and her always, always ending up offended, throwing in some empty threats. Debating their values and whether climate change was real (eventually agreeing it was, given how both noticed getting finer with age), going through late-night “my-parents-traumatized-me-in-this-particular-way” talks. He could feel himself slowly loosening up, confiding in someone for the first time in years, and actually not getting judged (at least unjustly) for his words. It felt easy, although looking at the blank screen wasn't. Very therapy vibe inducing, which was rather unwelcome at this stage. Until that moment with her cat. Xyx, despite his volition, ingrained that expression, and much to his dismay, couldn't get it out of his head. The puzzlement which grew into terror in a split second was almost theatrical, only judging from the consequences - it wasn’t.
Xyx entered the “dead” channel, gathering his thoughts before typing:
“hey.
in case it helps, i don’t think you’re ugly or anything”.
Then sighs tiredly, second-guessing his word choice. He did not want to come off as a dickhead, yet there he was. Before he could press the “delete” button, though, the green icon, signifying a change of status, lit up, making his stomach churn with… relief? Worry? Bewilderment? He could not detect the emotion, but whatever it was, it was no good.
- “Thanks”. - Adi replied, a long pause following. - “Quite a compliment coming from the one and only”.
“the most generous it can get”. - He furrowed his eyebrows slightly, testing the waters. - “unless you ask nicely”.
- “Sure, whatever”. - Was the only answer, a juxtaposition to her usual flabbergasted reaction, flooding messages of discontent or denial incoming, much unlike the usual energetic self. Could it be that bad? Obviously better, since she showed up, but…
“can we talk?” - He dropped plainly, expressing the urge building up in the past few days, heart thumping. Why is his body acting like this? He’s been there before.
- “Dunno”. - A pause, long, intense typing. A pause again. Deleting, typing: - “I don’t feel the best rn, tbh”.
“that’s ok. no judging.
promise”.
- “Ok”. - And so it began. Xyx accepted the request, meeting her face-to-face one more time. Hair messy, extra puffy today, face pale, contrasting the dark circles under the eyes. Adi sat there with a haggard expression, devoid of emotion. Her voice, small in volume, spoke faintly: - I am in big trouble and making it worse right now. Oh, well. - She snickered amusingly, bereft of the usual liveliness.
- Wanna talk about it? - Xyx said sternly, putting on a calming demeanor. He was not the type to pry into individual matters, but something about the acquaintance of his was urging him to pay attention. It helped. Usually.
- Not really. Not to say “you wouldn’t get it”, but it is hard to explain, really. - She crossed her arms defensively, but he could see her fingers digging into a shirt’s fabric.
- Try me. - He uttered softly.
- M’kay. - She huffed, taking a deep inhale. - Imagine you were in a position of high publicity. One day, a person you encounter leads you on as you have a brief, lovely conversation, leaving you impressed, only later for you to discover they were stalking you all along, after which you take extra safety measures about your persona, and the issue goes away for a couple of months. Sounds plausible, right? Until someone leaks your new address, and you are forced to change location again. And someone finds you, again, threatening to bring something from your past to light, unless you answer their demands. And once you think that, oh, finally, I can sleep well at night, you accidentally flash your face to a stranger - She coughed. - Person, from the Internet, whom you barely even know - and after that, someone is locating my coordinates. And now I’m doing it again, only this time, voluntarily, even when it is strictly prohibited by the agency. Hence, here I am, feeling trapped in this endless loop of changing places just because some weirdos love to make my life insufferable. - Her voice cracked as she held back from tearing up, interlocking fingers. - And now, due to some shitty contract, I don’t even have control over this situation, after trying to negotiate my way out. So yeah. That’s how it is.
Xyx was silent. Was there anything he could say? Could he fathom the entire scope of the problem? Probably not. But he couldn’t stand tears, generally, and his own powerlessness to alleviate someone’s mood, since it was no joking matter. So all he could do was sit there, serving as an interlocutor who provided a distraction, but in the end, both of them were alone in their fights, trying to find solace in each other nonetheless. The cruelty of virtual reality.
- That’s quite a lot you’ve got on your plate. - He said, melancholically. - I might not have been in the exact situation, nor been forced to change my home or worry about safety to that extent, but - His voice softened. - I understand. And I know it will change neither the way you feel nor the state of how things are in your life, but you don’t have to deal with it alone. Is there anyone who knows, like your manager, perhaps? Try filing a report and appealing to authorities, yeah?
- My staff knows almost everything about me, which is inevitable, so they are in the process of figuring things out - not the first time for them, you know. And as for the cops - laws are quite useless in this country, so I’ll just hire extra guards, I guess. - She sighed, her hands showing a slight tremor.
- Is there anything I can do? - Xyx could swear he saw a glimmer of hope in her gaze, before she swiftly averted it, staring at her knuckles.
- Just… stay here for a bit. If that’s okay. - She sniffed, clasping hands around her arms, cradling herself.
- Of course, hun. Don’t have much to do, anyway. - He smiled fondly. - Wouldn’t want to trade this little confession of yours, too. - He said with a hint of mischief. - But just to be clear, I won’t stoop as low as these cowards. I prefer settling things fair and square.
- Really, now? - She raised an eyebrow in disbelief. - What about that time you threatened to hack my bank to purchase a game that isn’t available on your Steam?
- Oh, please. As if I would. You know me better than that, don’t you, doll? Besides, I have other means of finding the exclusive fan-made FFXIV content, anyway.
- A shame. Should I not be sending you the files, then? - She smiled, for the first time during that evening. Xyx’s eyes rounded in disbelief.
- Did you seriously get your hands on it? - He chuckled, but after receiving a confirming nod, said, baffled: - Awww, really? How did you know my birthday’s coming up?
- I didn’t. - Adi said, closing her eyes. - Consider it a… parting gift. - She smiled weakly. Xyx felt a pang in his heart, much to his discontent.
- So that’s… how it is. Huh. - He took a deep breath, shoulders slumping. - Another one of the security measures?
- I’m afraid so. - Adi gazed down, both sitting still in a deafening silence. After a couple of moments, Xyx mustered the will to blabber:
- Alright then. It’s been fun while it lasted. I should have known that wouldn’t be for long, though. - He chuckled. “And yet fell for the same illusion, again”, - He thought.
- Well, there is not much I can do about it, and you know that. - She said defensively, crossing her arms.
- Sure, sure. - He said emptily, wanting to leave immediately. It happened again. How could he be so reckless?
- Listen, I’m just as upset as you are. During these past weeks, what we had - I found it something special. Our banters and relentless discussions, the way your words warmed my heart when all I could feel was soreness after long hours of practice, the way I actually looked forward to our exchanges and thought about epic comebacks, only to fail miserably, again and again. I thank you for that. For letting myself be not the persona that was manufactured for the masses, but for you to see the actual me. And for you, opening up a bit, too. It is never easy. All of this - She gestured, hands all over the space. - has been my only outlet from, well, the starting days of my career. I am… grateful for knowing you, even if it was for a short time.
- Same. - He said, quietly, unable to control his facial muscles. - Do take care.
- You too. Give Cat kisses from me.
- Consider it done. - He gazed intently, memorizing the arch of the furrowed eyebrows, quivering lip and squinting eyes that reflected his somberness. Both tried to prolong the inevitable. She spoke after a while:
- Well, it’s been a pleasure, Xyx. I - She hesitated and shook her head. - Thank you, again.
- Goodbye. - He spoke forlornly, running fingers through his hair after ending the call, not noticing the last message with an attachment that was sent, chaos created in the group chat, and his screen turning off, eventually. It’s just him and Cat. Nothing he didn’t know, already.
***
Xyx took a walk back home the other day.
He was carrying a briefcase full of papers on cases, and although he was not the type to overwork, he had to distract himself with something. Make his life full of things that mattered and would get him on the same track.
Except it was impossible. Even now, in the back of his mind, he heard her voice occasionally. Or, evidently, saw a couple of billboards or posters scattered in the city. Or listened intently when hearing her name mentioned. Maybe even checked out a few songs, trying to discern the context behind the lyrics. Either way, it felt like the universe was tantalizing him, giving no help to move on. He will live on a deserted island, at this rate.
He could not dissociate her media image from herself, as she was not as different as she claimed to be. Only more reserved, but still recognizable. Still the person he talked to a couple of weeks ago. That he, for no apparent reason, can’t get out of his head. That he sought in different faces in random places, in mannerisms and gestures, random word codings and memes, in associations and blue… hair? Which stood out in the scorching heat, whose bearer was approaching closer, seemingly in his direction?
- Xyx? - A tall-ish woman called out across the street, swiftly sprinting to him, almost getting hit by a car on the crosswalk, apologizing to the driver profusely.
“The fuck”. - He thought, stopping in tracks.
- Is that really you? - Adi chirped, gasping for air, folding and clenching her sundress’s fabric. - Fate, innit? - She straightened her back, giving a bright smile.
- You tell me. - He murmured, smirking. - No security around this time?
- I sneaked out. Just to see you, obviously. - She grinned. - How… how have you been? - She asked, voice slightly faltering.
- Fine, I guess. - He said, rubbing the back of his head. - Just… great. - He croaked awkwardly.
A long pause followed, both people finding themselves wanting to express so many words that they couldn’t say. There was no route to untackle the starting point, and yet…
- I owe you an apology. I would like to make it up with a FFXIV gaming session, if that would be convenient? - Adi spoke nervously. - Or a talk, perhaps? - She looked at him with these hopeful eyes again. Xyx was willing to do anything but ignore the silent plea this time, creating a narrow opening in the walls around his heart.
- A talk would be nice, actually. I know just the place. - He smiled. - Would you rather do it another day or-
- Now. - She did not hesitate. Xyx chuckled at the bold tone, as she gestured all over the place. - If that would be alright, obviously, I do not wish to disturb whatever you were doing and-
- You already are such a distraction, doll. - He winked, receiving a perplexed gaze that grew into the look of utter disgust. - I do not mind. Indulge me. - He said suavely, then cackling at the jab in the ribs. - Hey, I might have masochistic tendencies time to time, but you can’t just do that on our first meeting ever.
- Just doing my worst. - Adi rolled her eyes. - Besides, you’ll have to get used to it. I’m gonna be here for a while.
- Alright. I’ll just have to brace myself, then.
Xyx knew: all is well. Not in the sense of the given time period or in the prospects of the future, rather in this moment, as they walk together, shoulders bumping, bantering their way to the cafe. All is well. And maybe, just a maybe, will be even better.