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Lately, I can't stop thinking about her.
Back then, she was the girl I hated enough to want her dead.
The girl who broke apart my parents’ relationship and tore my family to pieces.
Living comfortably on the money she took from my dad’s wallet, there's no way I could forgive her.
…But deep down, I knew the real cause was her mother, and that she herself hadn’t done anything wrong.
Even so, I blamed her, and treated her terribly.
But the day we both cried together over the strange little doodles she drew, we started talking about our lives. Little by little, the bitterness between us faded.
It feels unreal now that we were once bully and victim. By the time we reached high school, we were always together.
Maybe because of how our relationship started, we can speak honestly without holding back.
Of course, that meant we clashed again and again.
There were times I even thought I might really hurt her.
Still, each time, we made up.
And each time, our bond grew stronger.
It’s hard to define; something between a rotten bond and being best friends.
A strange kind of closeness.
…But recently, something’s been wrong.
When I hear her calm voice, when I see her innocent smile, my chest fills with a feeling I can’t control.
When I see her talking to someone else, my heart tightens, like I can’t breathe properly.
It didn’t take long to realize what it was.
Jealousy—born out of love.
I’m afraid of losing Shizuka.
She’s so pretty.
It wouldn’t be strange for some guy to ask her out, for her to end up close with someone I don’t even know.
Just imagining it makes my chest ache.
…More than anything, I’m afraid of drifting apart from her, of not being together anymore.
I don’t want to lose someone important to me, not again.
I want her to keep smiling beside me.
I want her to be mine.
…But I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’ve done cruel things to her.
I insulted her, hurt her, threw away and broke her belongings.
I even tried to stab her eyes with a pen once— even if it was unsuccessfully.
“I know i tried to drive you to suicide before, but now I like you, so please go out with me.”
That’s unforgivably selfish.
Someone like me doesn’t have the right to say that.
And yet, even knowing that, my feelings for Shizuka only keep growing, and it tears me apart.
After a long time thinking, I came to a decision.
I’ll apologize again... for everything.
…It won’t erase what I did. It may just be for my own sake.
I've already apologized before.
But still, I should keep apologizing, as many times as it takes.
…And then, I’ll tell her how I feel.
Confessing doesn’t make anything right. It’s still selfish.
Even so, I want to stay with her.
More than the pain I caused her, I want to protect her and make her happy.
So that Shizuka can keep smiling.
“Marina-chan, what did you want to talk about?”
Shizuka tilts her head slightly, resting her hand on her glass.
The after-school sunlight softly colors her cheeks.
I can’t look her in the eye.
“Uh… well… there’s something I want to tell you.”
My heartbeat feels loud.
My hands shake.
My voice shakes.
What is this?
I thought I could talk normally, but I can’t calm down at all.
I chose this familiar family restaurant because of the background noise.
Even so, my own heartbeat drowns everything out.
“Huh. You're so serious all of a sudden. What’s going on?”
“…!”
She looks at me with clear, gentle eyes, and my breath catches.
Don’t back down.
If I calm myself and speak properly, it’ll be okay.
I take a slow breath.
I have to apologize.
I have to tell her how I feel.
“…Hey.”
“We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we?”
“We fought so much… and I did so many awful things to you.”
“I’m really terrible. I blamed you without thinking about your situation and kept making you suffer. I’m truly sorry.”
“…Even so, when I was hurting so badly I wanted to die, you stayed by my side.”
“You treated someone like me as important.”
“I know this is selfish after everything I’ve done. But please… I want you to stay by my side from now on.”
“I want to make you happy from here on, to make up for all the pain I caused. I want us to get through hard times together. So…”
“…Please go out with me.”
My voice shakes, but I say everything I need to say.
Shizuka listens without interrupting, looking straight at me.
…Then silence.
I didn’t say anything strange. It should be fine.
Still, the fear creeps in.
After what feels like forever, she finally speaks.
“…Um… I’m sorry.”
…What?
Sorry?
“…Ah… um…”
My breathing falters.
Cold rushes through my chest.
My head goes blank.
No—maybe she wasn’t apologizing for that.
I need to listen.
“Marina-chan… is that how you saw me? I do like you, but… not in that way, I think.”
“And anyway, we’re both girls. Dating like that… it’s not okay.”
That’s it.
This hurts.
I feel like crying.
I expected rejection... but not in this way.
Tears gather, threatening to spill.
But I can’t cry here.
That would only trouble her more.
Wanting to date her is just my selfish desire.
I have to endure it.
“The past doesn’t matter anymore. You had a hard time too. I understand now why you acted the way you did. So really, don’t worry about it.”
“Y-yeah… sorry.”
“…Let’s stay good friends, okay?”
I understand then.
There’s a line I can’t cross.
Tears spill out anyway.
“Hey—Marina-chan, are you okay?!”
“Haha… sorry for springing this on you. I understand. From now on… as friends… let’s get along.”
My voice sounds cheerful, but my face is soaked with tears.
I look pathetic.
“Sorry for wasting your time. I’ll leave the money here. …See you later.”
I can’t face reality.
I run out of the restaurant.
“…What am I doing?”
Without thinking, I find myself at the empty lot we used to go to.
The slanting sun stretches shadows across the ground.
I sit on the concrete pipe wrapped in caution tape, and memories return.
The day I cried over her strange octopus doodle.
The day we cried together and started talking.
The times she didn’t want to go home and we stayed here together.
The time we fought and she hid in the pipe, and I pulled her out.
Happy memories pile up.
Before I know it, I’m crying again.
“…I can’t…”
Will we stop talking honestly now?
Will I never see her gentle smile again?
When I’m hurting… will she no longer be beside me?
My legs give out, and I curl up on the ground.
“No… I don’t want that… Shizuka, I want to stay with you…”
What we had before—that was enough.
She was always beside me.
We supported each other.
Why did I want more?
Because of my selfish feelings, I ruined everything.
Of course.
After treating her so badly, asking her out is disgusting.
And we’re both girls.
“…I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Shizuka… for falling in love with you…”
I cry without caring who sees.
When things hurt like this, she used to be beside me.
But because of me, she isn’t anymore.
…If I hadn’t said anything, would she still be smiling next to me?
“…I just want to die…”
“Ah! Marina-chan, there you are!”
A voice breaks through.
I look up, and Shizuka is running toward me, out of breath.
“…Shizuka…?”
She came looking for me.
Relief hits, and tears spill out again.
I hate myself for it.
After hurting her, how can I be glad she’s here?
“Shizuka… I’m sorry… I didn’t think about how you felt. I forced my feelings on you…”
I can’t lift my head.
Then she hugs me gently.
“…Shizuka…”
Stop.
Please don’t be kind to me.
If I don’t suppress these feelings, they’ll only grow.
“Marina-chan… I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”
“…I’m the one who should apologize.”
“It wasn’t a bother. You were honest, and I lied and ran away. I’m sorry.”
“…Lied?”
“I’ll be honest too. I like you, Marina-chan.
…The same way you like me.”
“…What?”
“I want to stay with you. When you confessed, I was really happy.”
“Then why—”
“You shouldn’t go out with someone like me.”
“I can’t do anything on my own. I’d just become a burden.”
“And girls dating girls… people would judge us. And if your mom found out… you’d be hurt.”
“I want you to be happy. That’s why you shouldn’t choose me.”
I understand now.
“…Hey.”
“Wait... hey, that hurts! I’m being serious.”
I pull her cheek lightly, and she looks flustered.
“Don’t say bad things about the person I love.”
She was holding herself back for my sake.
“And don’t decide my happiness for me. I can’t be happy without you.”
“…Marina-chan.”
It’s embarrassing to be this honest.
But still—
“I don’t care about appearances. And you being a burden? That’s not true. I couldn’t do anything alone either. I’m here because you supported me.”
One more time.
Honestly.
“Shizuka… let me say it again.”
“…Okay.”
“I want to stay with you forever. I want us to face everything together. So…”
“…Please go out with me.”
“…Yes.”
She smiles, tears falling.
“…Why are you crying?”
“…You’re crying too.”
We hold each other tightly, as if we’ll never let go.
All the emotions we’d held back spill out as we cry, calling each other’s names.
Like light breaking through darkness, the first star shines above us.
“…Crying together here reminds me of that night.”
“…Yeah.”
We calm down and sit on the pipe, looking at the sky.
“Do you remember the octopus doodle?”
“…Of course. That’s where everything started.”
That strange, unforgettable drawing.
“It feels like it’s watching us.”
“…Yeah.”
It’s a strange thought, but comforting.
“‘Takopii…’”
“…What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know. You said it.”
“…It sounds kind of comforting.”
“…Yeah.”
We still have problems we can’t solve.
But even so, we found happiness—like something quietly guided us.
“…It’s getting dark. Are you okay with curfew?”
“Ah—if I hurry, maybe.”
I check the clock. Time passed quickly.
“I’ll walk you home.”
“I’m fine. It’s dark—you should—”
“…Can we hold hands?”
Her hand trembles slightly.
“…Yeah.”
I take her hand firmly.
“…Hehe.”
“…Don’t smile like that.”
“You’re smiling too.”
“Be quiet. Let’s go.”
I’m happy.
I won’t let go of this hand.
I’ll make Shizuka happy.
We’ll stay together.
Always.
“Alright… let’s go.”