Work Text:
Tonight.
Tonight is the night.
You never particularly planned your suicide attempts in advance. When things are planned, questions are asked - whether by yourself or by someone else. When plans are made, plans are ruined. Not to mention the agony of waiting. Patience isn't your strong suit. It's too similar to boredom. It gives you time to think. Thinking is painful. Living is thinking. Living is painful. You're going to kill yourself, you decided it 36 minutes ago. All you have to do is wait for the soonest moment possible.
What was it that made you break down? You don't even remember. It probably wasn't that big, but it was definitely the last straw. You misunderstood some sort of social situation and now you're crying in your bed while Casper is doing his own thing. You hold your breath desperately, trying to do anything you can to make sure he doesn't notice. You worry that he still might, as your body is still shaking to the rhythm of your sore sobs, desperately whaling to come out.
Even when you two are in the same room, sometimes texting is preferred over speaking. To make up for your slow speaking. When having a conversation, it takes you 8 seconds too long to actually respond, 46 more seconds to realize what you should have actually said and how your tone came across. Really, where are your manners? It's as if you have none. You hold onto texting as a desperate hope at communicating properly, but it's still not going to fix anything.
You get a message from Casper: I'm going to play a game on the computer.
11:08 PM
After moving in together and getting a bigger place, you two bought a PC. Better than your laptop, it can actually run some games and some software for your creative projects.
You react to his message with a 👍 to avoid using the wrong words.
Are you mad at me?
11:08 PM
❌
I love you
11:22 PM
You are busy. You shouldn't be speaking. You shouldn't be responding. You are crying. You're too retarded to be talking to anyone. You shouldn't even be living. If you can't talk to people properly, you shouldn't talk at all; you're only going to get misinterpreted. If you can't talk, you shouldn't live; not when people is all you care about in the world. What is a life where you can't put yourself in any social setting, but social settings are all you life for? You are living for failure. You are failing for life. You should just end it. You can now. The sooner you can, the less it will hurt. Should you have done it before? Probably. Even so, the longer you wait, the more time there is for a bond to become stronger, and then you would hurt the person more. You love people, you need to do anything you can to avoid hurting them.
Or should you wait?
Should you first try to sever your ties with people? Would that make it hurt less?
Fuck.
You're thinking. You're considering. YOU'RE CHANGING PLANS.
That shouldn't be allowed. That's not what you were intending for yourself. Stop it. Go back. THAT'S NOT ALLOWED.
Unfortunately, if you left the house now he would know. The only way to kill yourself right now is to jump off a bridge. The nearest bridge is at least an hour away walking. You won't take your car, someone else should have it after you're gone. You need to plan to leave when he is gone for a prolonged period of time. Or when he is asleep. Sleep will be the soonest, but that means you have to hold on longer than him.
Are you sure you aren't mad at me?
11:22 PM
This isn't exactly a question you can answer with a singular emoji. Guess you have to use your words, huh?
i am sure
11:30 PM
You didn't respond to the i love you
11:30 PM
words hard. i love you
11:30 PM
Are you going to anyone for support
11:31 PM
no
11:32 PM
Why
11:32 PM
🤷♂️
11:32 PM
Please do
11:32 PM
Welp. He knows you're feeling bad, I guess? How did he figure that out? Guess you didn't hide it well enough. That means when he does go to sleep, his guard will be up. He will catch you. You will get out of bed when you don't realize he's not deep enough asleep to not notice. He will grab you. He will stop you. He will beg you not to go. You won't be able to help yourself, you'll listen to him. You can't be doing that. When you talk to him, you harm him. When you live, you harm yourself. You need to leave. You need to escape.
You'll never learn, you're old enough to know by now how you're supposed to be talking to people, but you're. still. behind.
Fuck.
He sent another message.
He's staying up.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
You begin to pray. You don't even know who you're praying to, and you don't care. Anyone who will listen. ANYONE. SOMEONE. Save him. Save him from me - SAVE ME FROM MYSELF. Please, put him to sleep.
Shit, there you go again. You made plans with him. You're going to the store with him in the morning. It is both of your favorite times to go to the store. Early in the morning, around sunrise. It's nice and quiet, the only sounds are the boxes being placed onto the shelves. There are no noisy customers speaking. It's a safe place, you don't even need to bring your headphones. You can just enjoy the feeling of the smooth floor beneath your shoes. You can slide on it a little. All the aisles are empty. Everything is open. The space is free.
Do you even like people at all? It seems you can only find joy without them. Getting people to enjoy your presence is all you can do, all you can think about - but do you even enjoy them? Being in an open space without any people around sounds like heaven - maybe that's what it's like in heaven. Maybe you should kill yourself, just to find out. But he's staying up, so I guess you can't do it now. You were too slow. Retard.