Chapter Text
Mizi always thought God was the solution to all of her issues. That was, until she started having thoughts about girls. Girls were magical, with their shiny hair, and their pink, kissable lips, and how they always smelled good, the way they sent shivers down her spine, to her core. She could never love a man without lying to herself.
She knew it was a sin. As quoted in Leviticus 20:13: If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them. The same must apply when a woman lies with another woman. But she was God's creation. Everyone was. Why was it in her design, in her DNA, to be queer, when it is a sin? That's what led her to wonder about her faith. To be all-knowing, but purposefully give his creations damnable traits did not make sense to her.
No scripture she could find in the library would answer this question, so she turned to the Internet. To her surprise, there were a myriad of people just like her, experiencing same sex attraction. Acceptance will be a long, grueling journey, but it will all be worth it in the end, she read. How will going to hell be "worth it"?
She sighed, closing her laptop. Of course, she knew why her parents didn't want her on the Internet. It was full of sinners, and was likely an advertisement for the Devil's gospel.
Suddenly, her mother called her name, she sounded angered. Mizi now felt like a bundle of nerves, wracking through all of the things she could have done wrong recently. Nothing came up.
She slowly walked down the stairs, and stood infront of her mother with a nervous smile. "Yes, mother?" she mumbled.
Her mother frowned at her. "There is something I need to talk to you about," she stated. "How about you sit?" she suggested, but it felt more like an order, the way her mothers eyes bored into Mizi's soul.
"I have been discussing with God for a while," Mother began, crossing her legs. "And we have came to a conclusion. About you." and Mizi nodded. "Look, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to be blunt with you. I think you are a homosexual."
Mizi's eyes widened. She was not a homosexual! Yes, just a few minutes ago she was researching about homosexuality, but a girl can be curious every once in a while! "..What makes you think that? I have a boyfriend, whom I love very much."
Mother sighed. "I see the way you look at your friends, Mizi. But it will all be okay, these temptations are only temporary, as I will be sending you to a Christian school. It's what I should've done in the first place. And they have a program for girls like you."
Mizi gasped, and shook her head. "But mom, I have friends! What will they think?" she cried.
"They will be proud of you for standing up to the Devil," Mother said, drinking her tea. "My decision is final. Go pack your things, Mizi."
Mizi wanted to scream. She was not a lesbian, she literally had a boyfriend. But her mother thinks she is being tempted by her female friends to be a homosexual. And now she was going to a Christian school, who probably was overflowing with weirdos.
Just because she wasn't as affectionate towards her boyfriend than she was to her female friends meant absolutely nothing.
Her new schools uniform was plain, to put it simply. It consisted of a white button-up, a light blue skirt, and for the colder days, a cardigan the same color as the skirt. She figured that she at least would be able to accessorize, but—
"Excuse me," said a tall, black-haired man. "Jewelry is not allowed. The school will be lenient for now, since it's your first day, but if you continue it'll be a detention." he warned in a voice far too chipper and with a smile far too wide.
"Oh, sorry," Mizi apologized, taking off her 5 bracelets and dropping them into her cross-body. She supposed she could at the least get the mans name so she knows one person. "Well, it's nice to meet you! I'm Mizi." she greeted, holding her hand out.
The man tilted his head and grabbed her hand to shake. "Ivan. It's a pleasure," he replied amicably. "I'm a member of the school council, that's why I'm such a 'snitch', as people usually refer to me as," he explained, pulling his hand back and resting it on his hip. "So, what did you do to end up here?" he asked without hesitation.
Mizi's eyes widened at Ivan's bluntness. "You're.. really cutting to the chase, huh?" she quipped, bewildered. "And um, I suppose I'm here for this school's superb education." she lied with a smile.
"Hm, really?" Ivan asked, his all-knowing stare boring into her. He glanced around, then leaned down to whisper into her ear. "You know, you're not the first one to be sent off here for being gay," he muttered, then pulled back with a grin. "I definitely agree, the education here is exceptional."
Mizi gasped, a mix of offense and surprise that he could tell just by their conversation. "I am not gay, my mother just thinks I am," she corrected, her arms crossed. "And you were sent here for being gay?" she asked, her expression showing nothing more than pure curiosity. And she was curious.
Ivan nodded. "I was," he confirmed. "Had a secret boyfriend last year, dad found out, and now I'm here!" he said, his smile now less sincere. He almost looked sad. "I'll be here until I graduate."
"I'm.. so sorry," Mizi muttered, looking down at her polished shoes. Despite all the hate in her heart she had, she could not find within it her to be rude to Ivan. In fact, she sympathized with him. "Have you talked to him since? The boyfriend, I mean."
"For the first few months when I moved here, we used to write to eachother," Ivan began, glancing away. "One day, it kinda just stopped. Haven't heard from him since."
Mizi frowned. "That's terrible," she replied, not really knowing what to say. Technically, he was a sinner, but she felt strange. Understanding, almost. Like she wasn't the only one who had different feelings for the same gender.
Ivan had straightened up, and his smile returned. "It's whatever. I've placed a lot of trust onto you, I hope you can keep a secret." Now, his smile was almost frightening, like this was a secret she had to keep.
Mizi nodded. "Of course I can, my lips are sealed." she replied, making a gesture of zipping her lips shut and throwing away the key.
Ivan laughed. "Thank you," he said, his smile back to normal. "Do you want to sit with me and my friends at lunch? It'll be better than sitting alone, I promise."
Mizi perked up. Maybe she could make friends of her own. "Sure! I'd love to," she replied, and glanced down at her watch. "I better get to class, I've already got yelled at for being late today." she commented with a nervous laugh. "It was nice to meet you! I'll see you later."
Ivan waved. "See 'ya." he agreed.
Most of her next classes were pretty easy, on the same level as her previous school, but French was completely different. Despite being fluent in French (it was her native tongue, after all), it seemed that the French they were teaching here is completely different. Maybe it was Canadian French or something, because some of these words she had never heard of.
Other than that, she had fun. Well, as much fun as she could have with no friends in a brand new school. Fortunately, lunch came quickly, which meant she would be able to meet Ivan's friends.
Whilst waiting in lunch during lunch, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned her head, and it was Ivan. "Hello, Mizi. Are you still open to sitting with me and my friends? I told them about you and they are quite eager to meet you."
Mizi nodded. "Yep! I'll find you once I get my food," she replied, mildly amused by the supposed eagerness.
"Great." And Ivan was gone.
A minute later, Mizi had gotten her lunch. It was pasta, with a side of mystery meat and pineapple. No matter what school she goes to, the quality of the food never seems to increase.
Her eyes scanned the lunch room, trying to find Ivan. Unfortunately, he had the least notable hair color, because basically everyone had black or dark hair. She found someone who had resembled him, so she prayed that it was him and that she wouldn't embarrass herself.
And indeed, it was him. She coughed quietly to get his attention.
Ivan turned his head, then smiled at her. "There you are, we were starting to think that you ditched us. Come, sit down," he greeted, gesturing at the only empty seat, which was beside a boy with curly blond hair. "This is Mizi," he explained to the group, then his voice lowered to a stage whisper. "The one I told you about."
Meanwhile, Mizi observed. It was a group of 5, including Ivan, blond haired boy, a girl with a black bob, a boy with gray hair, and a girl with brown hair and darker skin. She smiled, albeit slightly awkward. "Hi," she said.
The brown haired girl was the most friendly. Or more accurately, most talkative. "It's nice to meet 'ya, Mizi. I'm Hyuna. The one you're sitting next to is Luka, he is Till," she pointed to the gray haired boy. "And that is Sua." she pointed to the black haired girl. Mizi's eyes lingered on her for a moment longer than the others, and it seemed Sua had done the same. "And you obviously know Ivan."
Mizi literally had to reel herself back in to the conversation. "What a group," she commented, unconsciously picking at her nails, fighting back the urge to look back at Sua, which she could feel staring right at her. It made her nervous, she noted, sweaty and nervous like a little girl.
Ivan laughed. "What Till, Sua, and Luka are not saying is that they are pleased to meet you. They're all a little weird, especially this one," he placed a hand on Till's shoulder, grinning at him like a madman. Till sighed in reply. "He's just shy. He wouldn't harm a fly."
Mizi raised an eyebrow at them both. She gave Ivan a curious look, but she smiled. Ivan and Till were now bickering back and forth, and she felt like that was their way of sharing affection, so she decided not to interfere. Hyuna was on her phone, smiling slightly, and Luka and Sua were both muttering to eachother. She could not hear what they were saying, but with each glance thrown at her, she started to realize that it was probably about her. She sighed, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair she was sitting in. She pulled out her phone, just to see that she had 5 missed texts from her boyfriend. She rolled her eyes, and opened them.
bf:
Mizi where are u???
Are u sick?
Oh so your ignoring me now
Do u even love me?
Then one more recently, just a few minutes ago:
bf:
Ur mom said you moved schools because ur a dyke, dont message me again.
Mizi huffed. Men were so irritating sometimes, even—especially—her boyfriend. Well, now ex-boyfriend, she presumed. She figured that 'don't message me again' equaled 'I’m breaking up with you'. And the audacity he has to call her a 'dyke'! She wasn't gay, yet everyone around her thought otherwise. Maybe it was a curse.
"Are you alright, Mizi?" asked Hyuna, which made Mizi jump out of her skin. "You look pretty mad, it's kinda scaring me." she quipped with a snicker.
Mizi looked up at Hyuna, then laughed and rubbed the back of her neck. "Yeah, just texting."
"Can I ask who?" Hyuna asked, leaning closer, which made Mizi's cheeks warmer. "You don't gotta tell me, just curious." she added, mistaking Mizi's blush for apprehension.
Mizi glanced around the table. Everyone else was busying themselves with eachothers presence, so she decided it couldn't be that bad to show Hyuna. "It's my boyfriend," she began with a sigh. "I just moved here today and didn't tell him, and now he thinks I don't love him." Which wasn't far from the truth, a thought she immediately shoved far, far away. "And he thinks I'm a.." A pause. "A dyke." she whispered.
Hyuna's expression changed multiple times. From curiosity, to confusion, to humor. "Wow, you are so far back in the closet." she commented with a snort, which made Mizi frown, confused. "But don't worry! I'll be able to help with that." And for a moment, Hyuna's gaze darted down.. towards Mizi's nose? No, her lips. It made Mizi blush even more. Was this girl pulling a prank on her? If she was, she would not fall for it.
Mizi sighed. "I think he just broke up with me, he said to not message him again," she said, deciding to disregard Hyuna's comments completely for the sake of her own sanity. She did not feel sad about this, she realized. In fact, it felt freeing. She must be exhausted, because nothing she is feeling is correct.
Hyuna hummed. "I think so too," she replied, now sympathetic. "I'm sorry. He doesn't deserve you."
Mizi blinked, bewildered. Was this girl trying to flirt with her? Well, unfortunately for Hyuna, she was capital S straight, in no way would she love flirt back with a woman. "..Thank you?" she muttered.
Hyuna shrugged. "Just being honest. Even though I just met you, I think you're exceptional." she commented.
Next period, Mizi had a study hall. Coincidentally, Hyuna was in the same class. She had no issue inviting herself to where Mizi sat. "Whaddaya working on?" she asked, glancing down at the notebook and textbook which was on the desk.
Mizi frowned. "French homework. It makes no sense, I literally speak French, but this isn't.. like, real French." she attempted to explain, before giving up and dropping her head onto the desk.
Hyuna laughed. "Yeah, it's Canadian French. No idea why they don't just teach regular French." she replied. "Wait, you speak French?" she asked, curious.
Mizi lifted her head and grinned. "Bien sûr je peux parler français." she replied smoothly, which earned an impressed sound from Hyuna. "Yeah, I was born and raised in France until middle school," she explained.
Hyuna nodded like that was the coolest thing she's ever heard. "That's sick, can you say more?" she asked.
"Hm, sure," Mizi replied, tilting her head in thought as she pondered what to say. "What do you want me to say?" she asked.
Hyuna now was pondering. "Introduce yourself."
Mizi hummed. "Je m'appelle Mizi." she said, which made Hyuna laugh. Hyuna had a great laugh, Mizi noted. "It's not cool," she commented, chuckling sheepishly.
Hyuna shook her head vigorously. "It's very cool. I'm terrible at French myself, so the fact that it's your native language is crazy to me." she replied. "Everything you say sounds like a love letter, no wonder French is considered the romantic language."
Mizi snickered, then they went silent. Unlike most silences, she did not feel awkward or like she had to fill up the silence as much as she could. She went back to working on her homework, while Hyuna watched her. Hyuna's eyes on her made her feel nervous, but it also made her feel.. pretty? Like she could be wanted for more than just her reputation.
But that made no sense. Hyuna was a girl, she was a girl. That alone made it forbidden. But the way her heart beats faster, the way she nervously sweats, it all felt.. natural. Was this what real attraction felt like? Mizi was attracted. Attracted to Hyuna, and her red lips, and her curves, and her full breasts.
Mizi almost scoffed aloud. What made her think that it was okay to think like that? She was simply being tempted, it was a test from God himself. She was sure she would pass, she wouldn't fall for a pretty girl, no matter how much she batted her dark lashes at her, because she was not into women. She was into men, with biceps and abs. And one day, she would be a wife. She would bare her husbands children, and they would live in the suburbs, white picket fence and all. And they would go to church every Sunday, because that is what everyone wants of her. That is what society expects. And she will be a sheep, following the crowd mindlessly.
Or was she a wolf in sheep's clothing? No other sheep would feel so intensely as she does for another woman. No sheep would stay up at night and pray for these thoughts to end, or atleast change. Turn into a man. I wish you were a boy. Why am I like this?
Every thought was like weak poison, dulling her down more and more until she would eventually wither up and die. One way or another, she would die unhappy. Whether that be in a club bathroom at 22, or as a grandmother, married to a husband she didn't truly love, no matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise.
None of this helped her finish her French homework, as the paper remained empty. Either Hyuna didn't notice or did but didn't bring it up, because she hadn't said a word for about 10 minutes.
The bell had rung. It was time for their next class. Mizi had been gathering her things, while Hyuna had been ready to go because she hadn't taken anything out in the first place.
"Wow, you take such a long time," Hyuna commented humorously. "Where are you headed next?" she asked.
Mizi rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Oh, shut up," she replied. "Um.. let me see," she mumbled, pulling her out folded up schedule in her pocket. "I'm going to AP modern world history." she replied.
Hyuna whistled. "AP classes, hm? I'm going to art. I'll see you around, then?" she asked.
Mizi nodded. "I'll see you around," she replied. Hyuna waved to her then left the room. Mizi had followed behind a moment after once she successfully gathered her things.
Her last class of the day wasn't as notable. However, the load of homework she had received was. So, she quickly went to her dorm, eager to finish it all quickly and fall asleep. She inserted the key into the keyhole, and opened the door.
No one had told her that she would have to share a room with someone.
Sua was laying on the other bed, presumably asleep. Mizi muttered a curse, and as quietly as she could, she dropped her bag onto the floor. Sua must have been a very light sleeper, because she was now awake.
"You are very loud," Sua murmured, her voice hoarse from sleep. Mizi jolted. "I suppose I'm your roommate. Please just be more quiet from now on."
Mizi nodded quickly. "Of course, I'm so sorry for waking you up," she apologized, and grabbed the workload out of her bag. "..You can go back to sleep now." she muttered, embarrassed.
Sua only nodded, her eyes closing again. Mizi sighed in relief. For some reason, Sua terrified her, even though she was much smaller than Mizi. She was almost like a doll. Maybe that's what frightened her.
Fortunately, she had gotten through the great amount of homework decently quick, only taking her an hour. It was around 5pm, and she was bored out of her mind. She sat on her bed, picking at a loose string on the sheets. She pulled out her phone, and noticed that she had 2 missed calls and 7 missed texts from her boyfriend, the same guy who broke up with her because she was a 'dyke'.
bf:
I miss you
Please don't go
I love you
Im sorry for calling you a dyke
Are you mad at me?
Those were sent at around 3pm. Two more recent ones were sent at 4:43pm.
bf:
I fucking hate you
Your a lying bitch and i bet your cheating on me with some other fag at your gay school
Mizi groaned, and blocked his number. She did not feel like dealing with this right now. She was hungry, she needed food. And she remembered that the cafeteria serves dinner for the students who board here. With that in mind, she grabbed her school ID and headed to the cafeteria.
They were serving grilled cheese, along with tomato soup. It wasn't the most delicious meal she's ever had, but it was good, and that's all that matters. Yeah, the cheese felt like rubber, and the bread more resembled cardboard than actual bread, but it was edible.
She sat alone, eating her food and scrolling on her phone. Someone pulled out a chair across from her. It was one of Ivan's friends, but she could not put her finger on what his name was.
"Hey," he greeted gruffly, setting his own tray down.
"Hi." Mizi replied, slightly confused.
He seemed to realize Mizi's confusion, because he had spoken again. "I'm Till. We met earlier but didn't actually talk," he explained. "I saw you over here and thought I'd keep you company. And I'd like to get to know you."
Mizi hummed. Ivan was completely wrong, this guy was not shy whatsoever. Probably weird, but not shy. "Oh, okay. What do you wanna know?"
Till shrugged. "..Whatever you want me to know," he replied awkwardly.
Oh, so he was shy. And awkward.
Mizi tilted her head in thought. "There's not really much to know about me," she commented. "I like to sing, I've been in a few of my old schools musicals, and I used to be a cheerleader." she said with a shrug.
"Oh, me too," Till replied, peering up. "Not the cheerleader part, the musical part. We actually do musicals here, you know. Usually they're all Christian, but we sometimes convince the school to do actual musicals."
Mizi now was interested, her food completely forgotten. "Really?"
Till nodded. "Really. We have one coming up soon, for the winter. We're hosting auditions soon, so if you wanna try it out.."
Mizi tilted her head. "Maybe I will. Thanks for letting me know, but I better get going. I have to wake up early tomorrow." she said, standing up.
"Alright, see 'ya."
"Bye."
After she had returned to her room and showered, it was 7pm. Sua was still asleep, and Mizi had managed to not wake her at all. Tomorrow, she had to go to conversion therapy to turn her straight again.
She was already straight, so that's the dumbest thing she's ever heard of. She went to lay in her bed, and ended up doomscrolling until 10pm. Sua still showed no sign of waking up anytime soon.
But when she went to the bathroom and returned, Sua was awake, reading a book in her bed. "Hello," she greeted without looking up from her book.
Mizi jolted. "Hi." she replied, sitting down on her bed.
"Why are you so jumpy around me? I haven't done anything to you," Sua asked, and this time, she looked at Mizi. It was the first time Mizi saw her with an actual expression. She was confused.
Mizi blushed, then shrugged. "..You just make me nervous." she admitted, glancing down at her knuckles. "You haven't done anything, it's just me being weird."
"..Hm, okay."
"..Okay," Mizi repeated quietly. "Are we good?" she asked.
"We are." Sua confirmed with a nod. "Get some sleep. You have things to do tomorrow, don't you?" she said. And when Mizi gave her a surprised look, she spoke again. "You're in conversion therapy. I used to be. I hated waking up early for it."
"Oh." Mizi replied. "Well, goodnight, then."
"Goodnight."
That was all Mizi needed to lay down and close her eyes and drift off to sleep.