Chapter Text
Pookpik glanced around, relief washing over him as he realized all the stalls were closed and empty. He had made sure to lock the door beforehand, a precaution that now felt painfully necessary. His chest heaved, each breath a struggle as his throat constricted and tightened with an unbearable ache that radiated through his entire body.
Another cough wracked his body, forcing him to brace himself against the sink, the porcelain edge fully supported his weight as he bent over. When he opened his eyes, he saw another pink petal lying in the sink, splattered with fresh droplets of crimson blood.
Warm tears welled up in his eyes, blurring his vision as his throat burned so fiercely that all he wanted was to collapse into himself and cry until there was nothing left. Everything hurt too much, the raw scrape of every swallow, the hollow ache in his chest, the weight of a love that would never be returned.
And there it was, that pink petal stained with his own blood. A petal of the bleeding heart flower, taunting him with its very name. Bleeding heart. As if the universe had crafted a flower just to mock his suffering as his heart ached so deeply it felt like a physical wound, one that no amount of time or distance could heal.
A helpless sob escaped his lips before he could stop it, and he quickly clamped his hand over his mouth to desperately muffle the sound. The sob turned into another, then another, until his shoulders shook with the effort of keeping quiet.
It was cruel. Just too pathetic and cruel.
He closed his eyes, letting the pain seep into every corner of his body, the raw sting in his throat, the thorns that seemed to claw at his insides, the dull, persistent throb in his chest. For a long moment, he let himself feel it all, surrendering to the agony before slowly gathering himself.
He straightened up, turning on the faucet, and let the cool water run over his trembling hands. He wiped the blood from his lips, watching the pink-tinted water swirl down the drain. Then, he picked up the petal and slipped it into his pocket.
He couldn't risk anyone seeing it.
Hanahaki disease. It had long been declared nearly extinct, a relic of the past that doctors with the highest degrees had confidently announced was almost no more, with only a handful of exceptions scattered across the globe. The world had been cruel enough to make him one of those exceptions; it was a statistic no one wanted to be part of.
He splashed water on his face, the cold shock briefly numbing the burning in his throat. But the relief was fleeting, and soon the thorns felt like they were puncturing the walls of his throat all over again.
He snapped out of his daze at the sound of his phone ringing, its melody cutting through the restroom's silence. His phone lay beside the sink, screen glowing with a name that made his heart stutter and ache without fail.
[Jai<3 is calling.]
Pookpik quickly mustered up a smile, even though Jai couldn't see him. It felt necessary, like a small act of self-deception, a way to convince himself that he was okay. He forced the corners of his mouth upward, hoping that if he smiled hard enough, the sob clawing at his throat would stay buried. He answered the call, letting out a huge breath before pressing the phone to his ear.
"Pik~ Where did you wander off to?—Wait, the music is too loud, let me step into a corner. " Jai's voice came through, laced with that easy affection that always made Pookpik's heart ache.
He heard the rustling of fabric and the muffled thump of club music fading as Jai found a quieter spot.
"There. Now come on, tell me where you wandered off to. I couldn't find you in the club at all. You said you were stepping out to take a breath. Where are you, huh?"
Pookpik swallowed his own spit, a motion he quickly regretted as it sent a fresh wave of pain through his raw throat. "I'll be right back," he said, already making his way out of the restroom, his voice carefully steady despite the earlier silent weeping. "Just met someone I knew and had a talk with him. A senior from high school."
"WAIT—don't tell me it was the one who used to write love letters to you." Jai's voice sharpened with something that sounded almost like jealousy, but Pookpik quickly waved off that thought, not wanting to delude himself any further. "You know I don't like that guy. He was too clingy with you, and he just gave me bad vibes."
Pookpik nodded along, even though Jai couldn't see him. "He was nice, though," he said quietly.
"No, Pookpik, you don't get it. He was trying to create a gap between our relationship."
Pookpik's breath hitched at the last word. Our relationship. His heart lurched, a fragile hope flickering to life before he ruthlessly crushed it. He knew better than to get his hopes up. Jai was used to saying things like this without thinking, careless words that had no weight behind them, that carved deep wounds into Pookpik's fragile heart.
"He was just shooting his shot," Pookpik said, forcing a lightness into his tone. "Anyway, where are you?"
"Don't change the subject," Jai insisted, his voice carrying that stubborn edge Pookpik knew so well. "Tell me where you are. I'll come there asap, I don't want that weirdo near you."
"Shut up, I'm right outside, and he's already gone away and—"
"Jai, how long are you going to take a stupid call? Come on, I want to introduce you to my friends."
A feminine voice cut through the background, and Pookpik stopped mid-sentence, his words dying down in his throat. He recognized that voice immediately, he would have to be a fool not to. It was Jai's current girlfriend.
"I'll be right back, babe. Go on, I'll join you in a bit," Jai said, his voice softening in a way that made Pookpik's chest twist.
Pookpik's heart trembled. "I'll join Ozone and Odd in the club since you seem busy," he said quickly, not giving Jai a chance to respond. He hung up before Jai could say another word, pocketing his phone with shaking hands.
He pushed open the door to the club, and the music hit him like a wave. The sea of bodies swayed and writhed under the strobe lights, a chaotic blur of color and sound. He squeezed through the crowd, his eyes scanning the dance floor until they landed on a sight that made his heart stop.
There was Jai, with his girlfriend's arms draped over his shoulders, her face was tilted up toward him with a radiant smile. Jai was smiling back at her as his hands rested comfortably on her waist; his eyes were filled with an affection that Pookpik had only ever dreamed of receiving.
Pookpik looked away quickly, the image burning itself into his retinas like a brand. It felt like his heart was being pierced with sharp nails, over and over again, each beat a fresh agony. He diverted his gaze and pushed through the crowd with renewed urgency until he spotted Ozone leaning against the bar.
"Where did you wander off to?" Ozone asked, raising an eyebrow as Pookpik approached.
Pookpik slumped onto the stool beside him; his face was still flushed from the earlier mess, and his throat was burning with every breath. "Nowhere," he muttered, keeping his head low.
He was terrified that the fresh tears glistening in his eyes might betray him. "Just needed to breathe a bit. There's quite a lot of crowd here." He gestured to the bartender, his voice rough. "A strong drink, please."
"Here's your Vesper Martini," the bartender said, sliding the glass across the counter.
Pookpik wrapped his fingers around the stem, the cold glass a small comfort against his clammy palm.
"Planning to get real drunk, aren't you?" Ozone observed, his tone light yet filled with concern.
Pookpik paid him no mind as he lifted the intoxicating cocktail to his lips and took a sip, letting the liquid burn its way down his throat. The sting was a bad cure for his aching heart, but the pain grounded him, anchoring him to the present moment. It was a cruel reminder that screamed in his ear every second, relentlessly.
He is not yours. And he never will be.
Pookpik downed the rest of the martini in one go, the liquor searing a path down his raw throat. It stung, but it was nothing compared to the burning ache he felt every time he saw Jai with someone else. This was a rookie's play. Nothing could rival the agony of watching the person you loved wrapped in another's arms, smiling at them with the warmth you craved so desperately.
He set the glass down with a soft clink, his vision swimming slightly. He was a lightweight when it came to drinking, as he rarely attended parties at clubs like this. It was mostly Jai who dragged him along, and even now, it was Jai who had brought him here. He had come because Jai had asked, because he could never say no to him, even when every fiber of his being screamed at him to protect himself.
And now here he was, drowning in a sea of people, in a love that would never be reciprocated, with the bitter taste of a cocktail that couldn't numb the pain fast enough. He closed his eyes and wished that he could tear the bleeding-heart flower from his lungs and be free.
"Pik, there you are."
The familiar voice shattered his thoughts like glass, jolting him from the dark spiral of his mind. He straightened up slowly, blinking as the world swam back into focus, and opened his eyes to find Jaijai standing before him with a playful grin on his face.
"Aww, you look so cute with your cheeks flushed pink like that," Jaijai cooed, reaching out to poke Pookpik's cheek with his finger, pressing gently as if testing well-proofed yeast dough. His touch was warm and utterly devastating. "You drank quite a lot, didn't you?"
Pookpik didn't have the energy to respond. His throat felt like it was lined with broken glass, and his tongue was heavy with unsaid words. He merely nodded along, his gaze dropping to the surface of the bar as Jaijai slid onto the stool beside him. When he glanced around, he realized Ozone was gone, probably with Odd.
His head was dazed, the intoxicating martini clouding his mind completely. His limbs felt heavy, as if filled with lead, and the world around him seemed to blur at the edges, sounds muffled, and colors bleeding together.
He was barely aware of Jaijai shifting closer until he felt his friend's hand on the back of his head, gently guiding him to rest against his shoulder.
"You seem so out of it, Pookpik," Jaijai murmured, his voice soft like premium velvet yet laced with concern. "Did something happen? You're quite quiet, too." His fingers carded through Pookpik's hair, brushing his bangs away from his eyes and tucking them neatly behind his ear. The gesture was so tender and achingly intimate that Pookpik's chest constricted painfully.
Not trusting his voice to not betray him, he merely shook his head softly and pressed his face deeper into the warmth of Jaijai's shoulder.
"Aww, aren't you so cute with your cute little pout?" Jaijai teased, leaning his head against Pookpik's.
Pookpik's traitorous heart skipped a beat. With the alcohol clouding his mind and loosening the careful restraints he usually kept around his heart, he let himself lean his entire body weight against Jaijai. The two stools were practically one now, their bodies pressed together in a way that was nothing new.
Jaijai had always been tactile; he liked clinging to Pookpik, playing with his heart without ever realizing what his actions truly meant.
"Didn't I tell you not to toy with other people's feelings?" Pookpik mumbled, with his voice muffled against the fabric of Jaijai's shirt. The words slipped out before he could stop or rethink them, like a half-hearted protest born from years of unspoken longing.
"Aow? Is it about my girlfriend?" Jaijai asked, his tone dismissive. "I'm nice to her. She's just too clingy. I'll probably break up with her much more nicely since you get upset easily." His hand continued its gentle stroking through Pookpik's hair, pulling him even closer than before, as if he could somehow merge them into one.
"You're too cruel, Jai," Pookpik whispered, his voice cracking slightly. "Just too cruel. It aches a lot."
"Come on, stop worrying about her," Jaijai replied, completely oblivious to the deeper meaning behind Pookpik's words. "I'm right in front of you, and you're blabbering away about someone else. Be careful, or I'll get jealous." His tone was playful and utterly unaware of the devastation he was casually inflicting.
"Now, go on. Tell me what that weirdo said to you," Jaijai continued. "Did he do something for me to beat him up? He better have not touched you without permission. Tell me, Pik, please na~"
But Pookpik didn't respond. The warmth of Jaijai's body against his and the soft strokes through his hair, it was all too much and not enough at the same time. The alcohol had finally caught up with him, dragging him down into a haze of exhaustion and numb surrender. His grip on Jaijai's waist loosened as his body went slack and his breathing evened out into the steady rhythm of sleep.
Jaijai felt the weight settle against him and paused, tilting his head to check on his friend. A soft smile spread across his face when he realized Pookpik had fallen asleep with his hands wrapped loosely around Jaijai's waist like a child clinging to a comfort object.
"My! You're too cute, Pik~" Jaijai whispered, careful not to disturb the sleeping boy in his arms as he adjusted his position to make Pookpik more comfortable. Then, without thinking, he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Pookpik's forehead.
It was completely platonic, Jaijai convinced himself. It wasn't uncommon for him to cling to Pookpik like this; they'd been friends for years, after all. This was just... normal.
"Jai! I wanted to introduce you to my friends, and you wandered off somewhere else!"
His girlfriend's shrill voice cut through the moment like a knife. She stood before them, arms crossed over her chest, with her face twisted with irritation. Her gaze landed on Pookpik, who was cradled so closely in Jaijai's arms, and her expression instantly hardened.
"Is your friendship with him more important than me?" she demanded, with her voice rising with each passing second. "You always forget about our dates just to meet him. At this point, I fear you may love him more than you love me—"
"Can you shut up and quiet down?" Jaijai hissed; his voice was low and irritated. He couldn't risk waking up Pik just because his girlfriend was acting so dramatically.
"Can't you see he's sleeping? He's a light sleeper, and if the loud music isn't enough, your shrill, annoying voice will wake him. So shut up." He paused, with his jaw tightening. "And yeah, he's my friend, and he is more important than you."
"Are you really going to choose your friend over your girlfriend, Jai?" she spat angrily, pointing an accusing finger at him, with her voice trembling with indignation.
"He's my one and only friend," Jaijai said flatly, his tone leaving no room for argument. "And yes. Now move away. I'm leaving. Text me tomorrow, or don't, if you want."
His girlfriend stood frozen, her mouth hanging open in shock. For a moment, she seemed to search for a retort, but finding none, she let out an indignant scoff and stormed off, probably to find her friends and complain.
Jaijai paid her no mind, and instead, he carefully scooped Pookpik into his arms, cradling him against his chest with surprising gentleness for someone who had just been so mean. Pookpik stirred slightly, mumbling something incoherent, but thankfully, he didn't wake up. Jaijai carried him through the crowd, pushed through the exit, and felt the cool night air wash over them as he made his way to his car.
"Buckle up, Pik~" Jaijai murmured gently as he settled Pookpik into the passenger seat, leaning across him to strap the seatbelt in place. His face was so close that he could see the faint flutter of Pookpik's eyelashes and the slight parting of his lips.
For a moment, Jaijai lingered; then he pulled back, closed the door, and slid into the driver's seat. He started the engine, the soft hum filling the silence, and glanced over at the sleeping figure beside him.
He drove to his own apartment. It wasn't safe for Pookpik to be drunk and all alone in his own place, Jaijai told himself. That was the only reason.
The car glided through the empty streets. Jaijai kept one hand on the wheel while the other rested on the center console. Every so often, when the road grew rough with potholes or uneven asphalt, he would reach over and place a steadying hand on Pookpik's chest, feeling the gentle rise and fall of his breathing beneath his palm.
He shook his head, banishing any ill thought as he pulled into the parking lot of his apartment building. He killed the engine and sat for a moment, staring at the dashboard, before turning to look at Pookpik.
He got out of the car, rounded to the passenger side, and carefully unbuckled Pookpik's seatbelt. Pookpik stirred slightly, with a soft murmur escaping his lips, but luckily for Jai, he didn't wake up. Jaijai scooped him into his arms, cradling him against his chest, and made his way to the entrance of his building.
The elevator ride was silent aside from the soft hum of machinery. Jaijai adjusted his hold on Pookpik, shifting him to a more comfortable position, and felt the other boy's head loll against his shoulder.
He finally reached his apartment door, fumbling with the passcode. His fingers trembled slightly as he punched in the numbers before the lock clicked open. He pushed the door open as he reached inside to turn on the hallway light, and kicked off his shoes with ease as he carried Pookpik through the hallway and into the living room. The soft glow of the city filtered through the large windows, casting long shadows across the floor.
Jaijai lowered Pookpik onto the couch gently, his movements were super careful as he tried his best not to disturb the others' sleep. He pulled his arms out from under him and straightened up to turn on the living room lights.
But before he could pull away, he felt a sharp tug at his shirt.
The force caught him off guard, and he stumbled as his balance failed, falling forward onto the couch with his hands landing on either side of Pookpik's head to brace himself.
His heart hammered in his chest as he found himself hovering above Pookpik, their faces inches apart. He could see every detail, the faint blush still coloring his cheeks, the slight parting of his lips, and the way his eyelashes fluttered against his skin.
"Even in my dream, you look so unapproachable, my love." A soft whisper escaped Pookpik's lips as his eyes fluttered open. They were glassy and clouded with sleep and alcohol. His hand, which was still clenched around Jaijai's collar, tightened and pulled him closer.
Jaijai froze, his breath catching in his throat. My love. The words echoed in his mind, reverberating through his chest like a shockwave. He opened his mouth to speak, to say something, but no words came.
Neither of them moved. They were face-to-face, so close that Jaijai could feel the warmth radiating from Pookpik's skin and could count the faint freckles dusted across the bridge of his nose. One move, a single shift of their positions, and their lips would be molded against each other's.
And that's exactly what happened.
Pookpik tugged Jaijai closer, closing the impossible distance between them, and pressed his lips against Jaijai's.
The kiss was soft, trembling with all the longing Pookpik had buried deep in his heart. It tasted faintly of the martini he'd downed earlier, tinged with something a tad bit sweeter. Jaijai's eyes went wide as if he was a fish yanked straight out of the water, as his body went rigid with shock. His mind screamed at him to pull away, to stop this before it went too far, and protect the fragile friendship they had built over the years.
But his body didn't listen.
For a moment, Jaijai felt himself begin to lean into the kiss as his eyes fluttered half-closed, and he lifted his hand to cup Pookpik's cheek. The touch was featherlight, barely there, but it meant more than that.
Then, as suddenly as it had begun, it ended.
Pookpik's grip on his collar weakened as his fingers loosened and fell away. His head lolled back against the couch cushion, his eyes slipping shut once more as sleep engulfed him, dragging him back into its depths. His breathing evened out, and his lips parted slightly, still glistening from the kiss.
Jaijai remained frozen, hovering above him, with his heart pounding so loudly he was certain it would wake the entire building. His hand was still cupping Pookpik's cheek, as his thumb unconsciously stroked the soft skin there. He stared down at Pookpik's peaceful face and felt something crack open in his chest.
He pulled away slowly, his movements were stiff as he sat back on his heels, running a trembling hand through his hair, and let out a shaky breath. His mind was a whirlwind of confusion, panic, and something he refused to acknowledge.
He felt a sharp, inexplicable tug at the corner of his heart, an ache that he couldn't quite name or understand. Who was this 'my love' that his friend had spoken of so fondly, with such heartbreaking tenderness in his voice?
Was it that persistent high school senior who had showered Pookpik with love letters and longing glances? Or perhaps it was the guy who had confessed to Pookpik just last week?
Not that he cared, Jaijai reminded himself firmly. He was simply worried about his friend, that was all. Pookpik had clearly mistaken him for this mysterious 'my love' person in his drunken, half-asleep stupor, and Jaijai was merely concerned about the implications.
Judging by how utterly devastated Pookpik had looked at the club, with those tears threatening to spill over his pretty face, it was obvious that this 'my love' was a complete and utter asshole. Someone who didn't treat Pookpik right, who had caused him to whisper those broken words about being "unapproachable" with such raw, aching pain in his voice.
Jaijai shook his head, forcibly pushing the thoughts aside. He made a mental note to ask Pookpik about this person tomorrow, when he would be sober and awake. For now, the priority was simple; he would stay with Pookpik, watch over him, and make sure no one could hurt him while he slept so cutely.
With that resolve firmly in place, he gently scooped Pookpik into his arms and carried him to the bedroom. He laid Pookpik down on the soft mattress, careful not to jostle him awake, and quickly changed into his pajamas before slipping under the sheets. He curled up close to Pookpik, wrapping an arm around his waist, burying his face into his nape, and pulling him into the familiar warmth of his embrace, letting the steady rhythm of Pookpik's breathing lull him into sleep.
The morning light crept through the curtains, casting gentle patterns across the bedroom. Pookpik stirred awake, his eyelids felt heavy, and his mind was still clouded with the remnants of sleep.
He yawned, stretching his arm out instinctively, only to feel a small tug at his waist. He turned his head, blinking against the morning haze, and found Jaijai curled around him with his face buried against the back of Pookpik's neck and a leg resting around his waist.
It was a common occurrence for them to cuddle like this. Surely, all friends cuddled each other to sleep, pressed so close that their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces with hips aligned. It was normal.
But then the familiar itch crept up his throat.
Pookpik's eyes widened in panic as he quickly shoved Jaijai off him, not caring if he woke him, and scrambled out of bed. His legs felt unsteady, his vision swimming as he stumbled toward the bathroom. His hand slammed against the doorframe for balance as he burst through the bathroom door, slamming it shut behind him, and fumbled with the lock until he heard the click of it engaging.
He bent over the sink with his body wracked with violent coughs. His throat burned with the familiar sensation of thorns scraping against raw flesh, as more pink petals forced their way up, coated in splatters of crimson.
He coughed until his chest ached, tears streaming down his face as he watched the petals pile up in the sink.
"Pik! Are you okay?"
Jaijai's voice came from the other side of the door. Pookpik opened his mouth to respond, to tell him he was fine, that it was nothing, but another wave of petals surged up his throat, choking him. A strangled, desperate sound escaped his lips, followed by more petals and more blood. It was like proof of his broken heart.
"Please answer me, I swear I will break the door if you don't!" Jaijai's voice was frantic now as his fists pounded against the door, and it rattled with each impact. Pookpik could hear the desperation in his friend's voice, yet he couldn't say anything to reassure him.
Pookpik coughed again, his throat and heart burning with a sensation so intense he thought he might be taking his last breath. The petals kept coming, relentlessly, and the blood pooled in the sink like a morbid bouquet. He could barely see through the tears blurring his vision and barely breathe through the thorns clawing at his lungs.
But despite everything, he still wanted to see Jaijai's face. He didn't want to die alone in a cold bathroom, surrounded by the evidence of his suffering. The thought of death was terrifying; it was a void he wasn't ready to fall into.
With trembling legs and a body that felt like it was falling apart, he stumbled toward the door. His hand shook violently as he fumbled with the lock, his fingers were covered with blood and saliva, staining the door handle red. The banging on the other side grew more aggressive and desperate, and Pookpik feared that Jaijai's hands might bleed or bruise from the force.
He unlocked the door and stepped aside as his body sagged against the wall, and the door swung open.
Jaijai stepped in, his expression was a mix of concern and panic. "Why weren't you answering, Pik—"
The words died in his throat as his gaze landed on Pookpik.
Pookpik's mouth was smeared with blood, fresh petals clinging to his lips and hands like grotesque confetti. His eyes were swollen and glistening with unshed tears that spilled over and traced messy paths down his cheeks. His face was a wreck of blood and tears, his body trembling so violently he looked like he might shatter at any moment.
Jaijai stood frozen, his heart lurching into his throat. Before he could say another word, Pookpik lunged forward, wrapping his arms around him in a desperate embrace. His grip was fierce, almost painful as his fingers dug into the fabric of Jaijai's shirt like it was the only thing keeping him tethered to this world.
"Jai, I can't do this anymore," Pookpik choked out, his voice was raw and broken. "It hurts so much."
A strangled sob tore from his throat, raw and ugly, the sound of someone who had been holding onto a crumbling facade for far too long. He buried his face in the crook of Jaijai's neck, tears soaking into the fabric of his shirt as he sobbed loudly, his entire body shaking with the force of his grief.
"Calm down, try to breathe," Jaijai urged, his own voice cracking as he wrapped his arms around Pookpik, pulling him impossibly close. He stroked Pookpik's back in desperate, soothing circles, his own heart was pounding so violently he could barely think. "Take deep breaths, Pik. Please, stay with me. Try to breathe."
Jaijai's eyes burned with unshed tears, his own throat tightening as he held Pookpik tighter, pressing his cheek against the top of his head. "You're going to be okay," he whispered shakily. "I've got you. I've got you, Pik. Just hold on."
But then he felt the weight of Pookpik going slack against his body.
"Pik? Pookpik—" His voice rose in panic as he felt Pookpik's grip loosen, his body slumped against him like a puppet whose threads had finally been cut off. He pulled back slightly to shake him gently, but Pookpik's eyes were closed, and his breathing was shallow and uneven.
"No, no, no—" Jaijai's heart plummeted into his stomach. "Pik, this isn't funny. Come on, please." A sob escaped his lips as he tightened his grip on Pookpik, pressing his ear against his chest.
And then he heard a faint heartbeat. Relief washed over his body like a wave.
Without a second thought, he scooped Pookpik into his arms and grabbed the car keys from the counter with trembling hands, not caring that he was still in his pajamas, with his face streaked with tears.
The ride to the hospital was a blur of red lights and blaring horns, of his own desperate pleas and the terrifying silence from the passenger seat. He broke every traffic rule he could think of, running red lights, swerving through lanes, and driving at speeds that would have gotten him arrested in any other circumstance. But he couldn't care. All that mattered was the fragile boy in the seat beside him.
"Please," Jaijai whispered through his tears as he gripped the steering wheel with white-knuckled hands. "Please don't leave me. Please, Pik."